Sunday, March 18, 2012


This has been one of our more trying weekends. I have gone through huge swings in emotions, expectations, and faith. One minute I am preparing for twins and trying to figure out how we will fit 2 car seats, 2 pack 'n plays, and a double stroller in that trunk (car shopping, another nightmare). The next minute I'm thinking we should just get whatever because we'll never have kids anyway. And back and forth I've gone, all weekend long, from one extreme to another. And Andrew gets caught in the fire, accused of not being supportive enough and not knowing the right thing to say. Though I've had to admit there is no "right" thing, and probably anything, no matter how supportive, would cause him to get in trouble at this point in time.

So I go into today discouraged, overwhelmed, moody, and fat. And I set my alarm super early so I could ready all the injection info and get everything together so I could do my injection at 8. And I get up (deep breath) head downstairs, and lay it all out in front of me. I follow all the steps (26) for the first injection - putting in the cartridge, loading the needle, dialing in the correct dosage, etc. And I look at the needle...1st mistake. It looks sharp and scary. Terrifying, actually. But I know I have to do this since Andrew is gone this week. So I take a seat, pinch the skin, and freeze. 30 minutes! Yes, I sit for 30 minutes before I can finally inject myself "with a dart like motion" and inject the medication. Whew...made it. One injection down, one to go. Today. Then a lot more days to go after that. My goal for the evening shot is to cut that time in half. 15 minutes. Cause by Tuesday I'm going to have to do this between patients so there's no time to get myself pumped and ready to go. But I'm still calling day 1 a success.

The whole 30 minutes of lag time (where I keep saying "ok, I've got this. 1-2-3-go...nothing...) I keep thinking that I just really want to talk to someone who has been through this before. Because, as already established, Andrew is not giving me the right words. And I come upstairs to recover and find, right in my inbox, present the whole time I was sitting downstairs, is an email of encouragement from the one person who I know who has been through this process before. Letting me know she is thinking about me and praying for me. How great is our God? That He would know exactly what I needed at that exact moment and use a beautiful friend to deliver words of encouragement. How incredible. I am surrounded by people who are praying for me and it was such a blessing today to be reminded of that - both in email and at church. And so today I have been much more encouraged and positive that yesterday. And I am somewhat at peace with where we are now. Next injection in 45 minutes...

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