Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Week 11: ER + bedrest

So this little one is just trying to hard to give me lots of drama!  I was thinking pregnancy would be this nice time (cause I made a deal with God years ago that I would have no morning sickness...) where I would be in awe and wonder of what was going on inside me.  I would wear cute maternity clothes and be one of those women who only gained weight right in my belly.  It really was a nice vision, very peaceful time.  Reality is a little bit different.

I'm sure God is trying to teach me something earth shattering through this process, or else it would be more similar to my pregnancy dream.  Sunday night was filled with terror and I started uncontrollable bleeding.  I'll leave out all the details, but let's just say it was bad.  My sweet husband who was in pain all day with a neck injury rushed me off to the ER where we waited...and waited...(lesson #1: patience).  After a few hours, an ultrasound finally confirmed there was still a baby with a heartbeat. (lesson #2: God is in control)  What a relief!  The monitor was turned away from me, but Andrew assures me she was dancing away, perfectly content in there.  The doctors could find no reason for the bleeding or pain I was experiencing.  I've self diagnosed with partial placenta abruption, just very early in pregnancy compared with most.

And so we left the ER with prescriptions for pain meds (which I refuse to take) and instructions for bed rest and no work for the next 3 days.  Three days of just lying around.  I know I should be enjoying the peace and quiet, cause I won't have too many more of these days, but I just feel so anxious. I'm lying here thinking all these terrible things, trying to figure out what I could have done wrong in these early weeks to make things so hard for the baby.  And doubting whether this really was God's plan for us - did I trust the doctors too much to provide me a baby that I'm going against God's plan and each step of this is going to be a struggle??  Too much time on my hands to sit and worry.  But our follow up with the OB went well, and I've got another appointment Friday just to make sure things are still looking good and the heartbeat stays strong.  And until then I am back to living on the couch, staying hydrated, trying not to worry so much, and praying fervently for this little one I love so much already.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

10 weeks: Trust

I have officially completed all medications.  It really is a terrifying thought.  No more butt shots, no more sticky belly patches, no more visits to REACH with their angry red letters announcing my infertility.  And as wonderful as it is to be at this point, I am beginning to realize just how much I was trusting in the extra drugs to keep me pregnant and not God.  Cramping and bleeding don't really add to that feeling of security.  But have no fear...the nausea is still there!  I am going to miss the ultrasounds every 10-12 days and the check up calls from my nurse in between.  But I know God has a plan for me, and right now it involves increasing my faith and putting my trust in Him and Him alone to keep my little one healthy.  Tough lessons all around these days.  But I am just beginning to see how small my faith has been in the past.

So as I have graduated from the fertility clinic and have not yet seen my ob/gyn, no new pictures.  Apparently you only get a few ultrasounds when you are at the regular doctor...bummer.  Next time I see our little dancer (really looked like she was trying to dance last week) she will be 18 weeks.  And we'll be able to find out if she is really a she.  Until then, I can definitely use continued prayers for my sanity, strength, and faith.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

9 weeks

My baby is now the size of a grape!  Other than our little one changing fruits on a weekly basis, there is not much to update on.  We toured one of the hospitals here in Charlotte and are trying to choose our OB for this process.  I officially graduated from REACH today with my very own "Made in Charlotte" onesie.  I'm not so sure we will be advertising that, seems a little weird and slightly inappropriate, but it may become a great one to throw on when everything else is covered in spit up.

We had our final ultrasound at REACH today and got to see our baby for a little longer.  And she looks like a baby now!  We could see arms and legs, and distinct head and body.  Still blob-like, but very much a baby.  I think she is going to be a dancer cause she was sure dancing today.  So cool to see her bobbing her head side to side and wiggling her arms and legs.  Maybe more so than the heart beat?  I don't know, too close to call.  Such an amazing little miracle God has given us!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

8 weeks

Our baby is now the size of a raspberry, kidney bean, or jelly bean!  Not real sure why all of these websites and support sites compare my child to a random food item, but we're still pretty excited to get that email each week.  It's like a little surprise for me each weekend.  Next email will be on Saturday when I get to find out what food our baby will most resemble at 9 weeks!

Overall things have been relatively uneventful.  Bleeding has slowed and stopped at times; I have all the pregnancy symptoms I have read about with fatigue and nausea causing the most complications.  I find it amazing that I can crave a food, go and purchase said food, and then change my mind when I smell it.  Makes finding things to eat very challenging.  I'm trying to keep to the 6 small meals per day to keep the nausea down, and that helps somewhat.  Other than that, nothing new to report.  My belly seems to be swelling a little quicker than I thought as I am well past the pant buttoning stage and at times in missing the pant zipping stage.  I really appreciate that fashion right now continues to include long shirts and undershirts.  Makes it much more manageable.

We had a second ultrasound last week and I was amazed at how much our little peanut had grown in just 10 days.  You would be amazed at the change too, except I tucked the pictures away in my car while away for the weekend and apparently the heat sucked the ink right off the page and now it's just a black blob.  She (still dont' know gender, so I write with whichever I am feeling like at the time...) continued to look strong and healthy with a heart rate up over 150.  And I'll have a new set of pictures for next week where I think we'll actually be able to tell we are looking at a baby...