Thursday, May 17, 2012

Menopause week 6

Almost done!  I am so excited to only have 2 more weeks of this horrendousness!  Hot flashes have picked back up these few days and I am feeling as crazy as ever, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I will start the process of coming out of menopause 2 weeks from today - with one week of that being our vacation.  I am finally feeling like I can make it!  Soon we will start the waiting process again, and then the transfer will come about another month after that.  Yay!  So now I am trying to start cleaning out the house, going through the closets, and trying to de-clutter the space, and potentially make room for all our 14 children.  Finally having a hopeful day

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

Traditionally, Mother's Day is one of the hard ones.  When you wake up in the morning and just want to crawl back under the covers and not even get up.  Today was no different.  I visited with my mom this weekend, which was great - good to see family again.  And I have 2 fantastic, supportive mothers whom I love dearly and am so thankful for.  Unfortunately, that didn't make the day any easier.

We hid out this morning from church - a constant reminder of all women who have healthy babies and are rewarded with flowers for their fertility.  Nope, not going through that again.  So my very sweet husband prepared a short message for us so I could avoid the opportunity of publicly turning into a crazy person.  And he let me be grumpy the first half of our way home, and then bought me a 32 oz slushy.  Adding even more bulge to my ever increasing middle.  Sigh.  So today I am having a little pity party for myself and somewhat mourning all the moments that could have been with our children if they had come in our time.  And tomorrow I am kicking myself out of the slump and starting over positive if the hormones will let me.  Still amazed at just how much a few hormones can affect you...

I had a few people somewhat wish me happy Mother's Day.  And looking at this year compared with last year, we have some hope.  But Andrew told me today he decided not to get me any sort of card so I wouldn't get as attached to the embryo, if that's possible.  And that is our constant reminder.  We have the possibility of healthy babies, but no guarantees.  Not that there is a guarantee once you are actually pregnant, but we know so many who have told us of multiple IVF cycles without actually getting pregnant or carrying a child to term.  And so while I am hoping and praying this is all successful in the end, I can't yet consider myself to be a "mother" in any sense of the word.  But there is hope for next year...

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Rage and despair

So it is now official...the hormones have won.  I feel like every moment of these past few days has been spent trying to just keep my head above water.  And I have these wonderful moments, where everything is good and I am at peace, full of hope, and content with my wait.  And then out of no where...WHAM!  I'm not even sure of the triggers anymore, I just morph into this other person.  And I am trying so hard not to let the crazy thoughts take over and not blow up at every person who crosses my path, but I feel myself slowly crumbling. I'm not even sure at this point what I am upset about - is it the waiting? is it the endless stream of women who are getting pregnant without a care in the world? is it all the happy baby pictures? or is it just that I feel God is not hearing me and that I am all alone in this?  I begged Andrew last night to just let me stop this...just let my body rest so I can feel like a normal person who is in control of her own emotions again.  It always seems to be one step forward a two (or 8) steps back, never actually moving forward.  Feeling very discouraged at this particular point in time (but don't worry, an hour ago I was perfectly happy and in another hour...well, who knows??)  Second Lupron shot arrives tomorrow AM, so I get double hormones by the end of the week.  Just praying I can hold it together at this point.