Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Rage and despair

So it is now official...the hormones have won.  I feel like every moment of these past few days has been spent trying to just keep my head above water.  And I have these wonderful moments, where everything is good and I am at peace, full of hope, and content with my wait.  And then out of no where...WHAM!  I'm not even sure of the triggers anymore, I just morph into this other person.  And I am trying so hard not to let the crazy thoughts take over and not blow up at every person who crosses my path, but I feel myself slowly crumbling. I'm not even sure at this point what I am upset about - is it the waiting? is it the endless stream of women who are getting pregnant without a care in the world? is it all the happy baby pictures? or is it just that I feel God is not hearing me and that I am all alone in this?  I begged Andrew last night to just let me stop this...just let my body rest so I can feel like a normal person who is in control of her own emotions again.  It always seems to be one step forward a two (or 8) steps back, never actually moving forward.  Feeling very discouraged at this particular point in time (but don't worry, an hour ago I was perfectly happy and in another hour...well, who knows??)  Second Lupron shot arrives tomorrow AM, so I get double hormones by the end of the week.  Just praying I can hold it together at this point.

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