Sunday, March 31, 2013

Easter and 5 months

Happy Easter! This is the first year we have truly understood Easter and the sacrifice God made by giving his son. How much he must love us! Because I would never have willingly given Reagan. Never. And I can now understand what it is like to lose a child. How much harder would it be to turn your back on your child, to put the full weight of the world's sin on his shoulders, knowing he would be going to hell?? I can't imagine that part. And for Jesus, to feel the shame and disgrace of every sin committed or going to be committed, to feel complete separation from your Father whom you walked with daily. Wow. Whole new understanding and appreciation this year. Because without this sacrifice, Reagan would not be dancing in heaven.

We were feeling so sad yesterday. Seems to hit with every holiday. As I lay in bed picturing Reagan wearing the most adorable Easter dress and having family dinner after church, I let myself get swept away into the self pity and despair, and sobbed. BUT, this holiday in particular should be a celebration for us. To know we now have eternity with our baby girl waiting for us. Reagan was always perfect in our eyes as she never cried, talked back, lied, etc. But we know she was sinful, even in the womb. And because Jesus died for her and was raised again, we will see her soon! So very thankful. And what kind of wonderful celebration they must be having in Heaven, praising God as they all better understand the sacrifice, as they have seen Jesus and walked with him. Reagan is missing nothing right now. We are, but she is having the most wonderful time. Nothing makes a mommy smile more than knowing that, no matter how painful it all still is.

Rea would have been 5 months today. Happy 5 months, precious girl. Mommy and Daddy love you!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

2nd trimester!

Last Friday marked the beginning of the second trimester. With Reagan, the nausea relief hit one week later, so I am counting on feeling better tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed so I can start getting these babies the nutrients they need without wanting to gag.

This week brought more good news from the doctor. The ultrasound shows both babies growing well and measuring ahead of schedule. (They have their daddy's genes;) ). But this week it also showed the clot had shrunk! Less blood in the uterus will also mean less of the irritant that seems to cause me to cramp and contract. Yay! God is answering our prayers. I was discouraged all week because my symptoms seemed to be getting worse, but God was just getting rid of the clot. Which is exactly what we have prayed for. Or at least part of what we've prayed for. And the babies still look healthy, which is the best thing. Whew!

Second trimester is when we were supposed to start some preventative care to prevent another late pregnancy loss. We had a plan. Met with all the specialists before the transfer to map it all out. And now, none of it applies. The complications early have prevented all 3 of the doctors ideas. Yeah, God really wants us to trust him. Cause there is absolutely nothing the doctors can do anymore. And our risk of loss doubles because of Reagan. I'm not even sure what twins does to those odds. But I keep hearing that if it is God's plan for these twins to make it, then the odds are 100%, no matter how it looks on paper. As we pass the 20 week mark, I will need to hear that again.

So at this last ultrasound, we heard for the 3rd time that baby A is a boy. Three different doctors, same results. But this time, baby B appeared to be a boy as well, hmmm.... What on earth would I do with 2 boys?? How scary is that thought? I'll have to learn to play with balls and trucks and such. My personal Barbie and baby doll collection will render itself useless...

Thursday, March 21, 2013


We finally had good news! After weeks of bleeding and pain, the clot appears to be stabilizing. Praise The Lord!! No increase in clot size in 2 weeks! And the babies are still growing, measuring perfectly.

I have struggled so much over the past 2 weeks with trusting God in all of this. My instincts pull me strongly away, wanting to take control of everything (as if there was a way to do that anyway). I long to have a normal pregnancy, to be able to experience the joy and awe at growing these babies inside of me. I have tried to cling to hope that God has a plan and his plan is best, but that is unbelievably hard. To surrender to that daily. Especially with Reagan and our loss, which we still face on a daily basis.

BUT today, we had good news. God has been answering our prayers over these past 2 weeks despite my worsening symptoms. Babies are growing and the clot is not. Yay! These are going to be our miracle babies :)

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


Another week has come and gone, filled with countless hours alternating between the couch and the bed. Oh, how I miss being upright. And shaving my legs! No one talks about how to handle not being able to shave your legs for a 5 month time period. It's very disturbing.

Last week we received discouraging news. The clot was growing faster than the babies, outweighing them and crowding them. The specialist said it didn't look good and then basically sent me home to miscarry. Not what I was wanting to hear. We saw our regular OB yesterday who is a Christian man and reminded us that it is not in our hands and that he is going to remain optimistic as long as we continue to have 2 heartbeats on ultrasound. The clot had not shrunk, despite my increase in bleeding, but it wasn't bigger for the first time.

So I am desperately trying to trust God in this. Some days that comes more easily than others. Some days it's like I am suffocating with anxiety and worry for these little guys, and some days I am at peace. (Or at least at peace for part of the day). Slowly God is pulling all of us through. And in a moment of hope, I started on baby blankets. Crocheting came back easier than I though after six years off. And, since they are thinking we are having a BOY and a GIRL, I thought I could do them in any color and be safe! (The boy is the big guy stretching his legs, the girl is a little more petite)

Friday, March 8, 2013

Reagan's Due Date

I have dreaded this day for the past 4 months. Reagan's due date. Tomorrow. It's like a part of me is breaking all over again, knowing this was the day she was supposed to come. She wasn't supposed to be here last year. It was supposed to be now. But clearly things don't work out quite as planned. Or at all as planned. I miss my baby girl so much it's still hard to breathe sometimes. As I struggle with the current pregnancy, I can't help but think that if Reagan were still here, I wouldn't have to endure all this too.

We had this wonderful plan, to take her to the beach. She came with us to the mountains and to Clemson while in my belly but never the beach. We had a condo rented so we could spend 4 days remembering her short life, celebrating who she was and what she means to us. But because of the twins, travel is now off limits and we are just here at home. It feels like I am doing a disservice to her. Breaks my heart. I don't know the best way to honor her from the couch. It still feels so wrong, the whole thing. I know God is good and he has something planned for us, it is just do hard to remember or even see when we are surrounded by sorrow. Praying for a calm day tomorrow so we can remember and celebrate our precious little girl.