Friday, March 8, 2013

Reagan's Due Date

I have dreaded this day for the past 4 months. Reagan's due date. Tomorrow. It's like a part of me is breaking all over again, knowing this was the day she was supposed to come. She wasn't supposed to be here last year. It was supposed to be now. But clearly things don't work out quite as planned. Or at all as planned. I miss my baby girl so much it's still hard to breathe sometimes. As I struggle with the current pregnancy, I can't help but think that if Reagan were still here, I wouldn't have to endure all this too.

We had this wonderful plan, to take her to the beach. She came with us to the mountains and to Clemson while in my belly but never the beach. We had a condo rented so we could spend 4 days remembering her short life, celebrating who she was and what she means to us. But because of the twins, travel is now off limits and we are just here at home. It feels like I am doing a disservice to her. Breaks my heart. I don't know the best way to honor her from the couch. It still feels so wrong, the whole thing. I know God is good and he has something planned for us, it is just do hard to remember or even see when we are surrounded by sorrow. Praying for a calm day tomorrow so we can remember and celebrate our precious little girl.

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