So this little one is just trying to hard to give me lots of drama! I was thinking pregnancy would be this nice time (cause I made a deal with God years ago that I would have no morning sickness...) where I would be in awe and wonder of what was going on inside me. I would wear cute maternity clothes and be one of those women who only gained weight right in my belly. It really was a nice vision, very peaceful time. Reality is a little bit different.
I'm sure God is trying to teach me something earth shattering through this process, or else it would be more similar to my pregnancy dream. Sunday night was filled with terror and I started uncontrollable bleeding. I'll leave out all the details, but let's just say it was bad. My sweet husband who was in pain all day with a neck injury rushed me off to the ER where we waited...and waited...(lesson #1: patience). After a few hours, an ultrasound finally confirmed there was still a baby with a heartbeat. (lesson #2: God is in control) What a relief! The monitor was turned away from me, but Andrew assures me she was dancing away, perfectly content in there. The doctors could find no reason for the bleeding or pain I was experiencing. I've self diagnosed with partial placenta abruption, just very early in pregnancy compared with most.
And so we left the ER with prescriptions for pain meds (which I refuse to take) and instructions for bed rest and no work for the next 3 days. Three days of just lying around. I know I should be enjoying the peace and quiet, cause I won't have too many more of these days, but I just feel so anxious. I'm lying here thinking all these terrible things, trying to figure out what I could have done wrong in these early weeks to make things so hard for the baby. And doubting whether this really was God's plan for us - did I trust the doctors too much to provide me a baby that I'm going against God's plan and each step of this is going to be a struggle?? Too much time on my hands to sit and worry. But our follow up with the OB went well, and I've got another appointment Friday just to make sure things are still looking good and the heartbeat stays strong. And until then I am back to living on the couch, staying hydrated, trying not to worry so much, and praying fervently for this little one I love so much already.
Sending prayers!
ReplyDeleteOh friend! How I understand your questioning! Especially when you have time on your hands- phew! Time is torture for me right now. As we continue to wait for our birthmother to either go into labor or make it to her schedule c-section on Labor day the anticipation and the quiet are driving me nuts. I too have questioned whether or not we are walking in God's will... did he really want us to adopt? Were we really supposed to say "yes" to this baby? Although we can't know for sure anything, I do know for sure the "Did God really say" questioning is a tool the enemy first used on Eve. He said "Did God really say you should not eat of any tree in the garden?" That sneaky snake! When we find ourselves riddled with questions and doubts we must remind ourselves of what we know is true: 1) God loves us 2) God is for us 3) His plan cannot be twarted 4) His plan is best. Before the foundations of the earth he knew who our children would be and how he would bring them to us. (I'm writing this for myself too of course!) Let us both pray and fill our minds with God's word. I read is 1st Samuel today that when Saul heard David sing praises to God that his tormenting spirit would leave- so lets put on some Praise music and worship the King! I'm here if you want to talk. Praying your appointment goes well. Big hugs!
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