Hope

Looking over these last few posts I have realized how much of a whiner I am! Here I am, taking this wonderful opportunity with so many possibilities for blessing, and I keep focusing in on the negatives. In an effort to not get my hopes up, I have tried to tell myself at each step along the way that there are no guarantees. And that is true - there are no guarantees. My brain and my heart have been disconnected during these past few weeks. Because even though I keep trying to say the word "if" instead of "when," my heart is very much involved. And going to be very broken if we do not have children from this process.

So I am entering this next week focusing on hope. I had lunch with a dear friend, from whom I have stolen the "hope" mantra, who was discussing 1 Corinthians 13:13 which talks about faith, hope and love. How easy is it for us to all see faith and love? Of course you need faith and love. But hope? When everything is going well and life is moving forward, you never even think about hope. Because why is there a need? What is there to hope for? I've already got it. But not so much right now.

She challenged me with "What is God trying to teach you?" And I honestly am not sure. I know trust is mixed in there, because I have such a hard time truly trusting that God's plan is the best one for me and that I don't, in fact, know more. Control would be another one. I like to control every aspect of my life, like knowing exactly what the next step is and how I am going to get there. And doing every step along the way and still not being able to control the outcome - still not knowing if we will have 1 child by the end of this journey or 10, not knowing if God's plan for us is adoption or to have no children at all - has really been a challenge. I do know this, before this struggle, when life was moving ahead exactly as I planned, I did not give much thought to God. Yes, I believed, and I knew he loved me and died for me and all those Sunday School answers. But I took it all for granted. Because it almost seemed as though I didn't need God (though obviously we all do) or that I could keep him in the distance. Now, even when I am angry and blaming God, He is at the forefront of my mind. I find myself constantly praying, though sometimes selfishly, which I have never been consistent with in the past.

From Moments for Couples who Long for Children: "Lord, we dream of having any baby and You tell us You are planning a specific child. We see senseless waiting; You see a Master Plan. Give us the faith to ask not for our will, but for Yours. Only You know why we wait, and only You know who we're waiting for...give us the faith to continue to wait, knowing no detail has escaped Your attention."