Mother's Day

I cannot even express the grief Mother's Day holds for me as another year has come and gone with empty arms. Last year we had 14 little freezer babies. And I felt nothing like a mother. I had never seen any of my children, didn't know them, and felt very disconnected from them. We had no idea if I could even get pregnant or what the future held. And I felt considerable anger toward all women with infants or pregnant.

This year, I have a daughter. She is not with me. I have 2 sons I can't yet hold. I feel all alone again. And added onto everything, I am stuck in the hospital on the maternity ward surrounded by women who are giving birth and taking their children home. Even as I am writing this, baby cries are filling the background noise reminding me of what I don't have. I'm not angry anymore, I'm just heartbroken. And empty. And still not understanding God's plan for this.

I am now a mother. A mother who has experienced 6 months of morning sickness, 3 months of bedrest, 3 hospital stays, over 200 injections, and 10 months of pregnancy since last Mother's Day. And yet, there are no handprint or footprint handmade art for me, no child to hug and kiss and say "I love you" to. It breaks my heart. So thank you to those who sent a card or a note my way, to continue to honor Reagan's sweet little life. And I know if I had to go back to last year, I would do it all again for those few precious moments with our daughter. Because that's what a mother does.

Reagan's new garden for the summertime