Stabilizing...or not...or maybe?

So I started a blog post yesterday about how things were stabilizing and we were in a rhythm. Doctors said maybe I could go home at the end of the week. Well, some of them anyway. Too many doctors and they all say different things. Some were still talking like I might be here for a while,but the specialist seemed optimistic at I would be able to go home. And then last night, contractions picked back up enough for the on call doctor to put me back on my strong meds. So, 2-3 days of that (depending on which doctor I'm talking with at the time) and then we try for several days of stability after that. Then we discuss going home. So, deleted yesterday's post and we're starting over today.

I don't think bedrest at the hospital is really much different than at home, don't think I'm really much more bored here. I do miss having sitting privileges all the time as I only get 30 min per day here, but otherwise it is the same as my early bedrest days. And it give Andrew tremendous peace of mind for me to be under the watchful eye of the docs any only about 1 mile away from him during work. And for the most part, I feel okay, especially on his medication. Which makes me feel like I don't actually need to be in here...until times like last night. 

It's interesting, yesterday I spent some time praying for clarity. If they gave me the option to go home, should we? One doctor who said from the beginning I would need to stay said if we went home I'd just be back here in a few days. And that the stress of being home could make things worse. And then yesterday, it seemed like maybe it would be alright to go home. I had no idea who to listen to or who to trust to give me the best medical opinion. So we prayed for clarity, that we would know what decision to make and when to go home if at all. And God answered that prayer by giving me a night like last night. He never really answers things the way I would expect or like (we were hoping my cervix would miraculously get longer and contractions would stop). But that is not the road we are asked to travel at this point. And I am at peace with that. Still disappointed to lose out on all the fun things we had planned for last weekend and the coming weeks, but really that is nothing when I get to hold my precious baby boys. 

I have now reached the rate of exponential growth. I'd consider it uncomfortably exciting. I think I grow visually each day. Baby B has now completely overtaken my stomach and was weighing in at 1.6 pounds. Baby A is more on track with what they consider normal at 1.1. So I'm up to almost 3 pounds of baby!

Do you want the good news or the bad??

So...good news. Contractions are getting better. God has answered our prayers for things to calm down, for the cervix length to stabilize, and for the boys to continue being healthy. I have 3 more doses of medication allowed at this point and will be off by tomorrow morning. Scary thought, but I am trying to remind myself God has this-he can keep the contractions away even without meds. So I am choosing, at this moment, to be optimistic. Still nervous though. 

And bad news. The OB this morning said she recommends I stay here in the hospital at least until 28 weeks, maybe until delivery. The second OB came by a few hours later with the same opinion. There goes my fun shower, decorating the nursery, maternity pictures, all my plans. I know it is 100% worth it. No one needs to remind me of that. It's just disappointing and exhausting. And poor Andrew! Living here with me, going home to do laundry and yard work, and repeating again and again. (All while still working full time and worrying about everyone). 

And that's about it. More updates to come after meds stop this weekend. 

Discouraged

It never ends. Discouraging news is constantly coming our way. Today we learned that the contractions are in fact shortening my cervix. Normal treatment? Cerclage. Just sew that thing shut. Not an option if you still have a uterine clot. Other treatment? Stronger drugs, also not an option now with continued bleeding. Thankfully we have a doctor who thinks outside the box and has us ordering a thing from Europe that will try to take some of the pressure off the cervix. Hopefully that will come in early next week and stop this progression. 

I am completely overwhelmed. I am trying to focus on the fact that the boys are still doing great and growing like nothing is wrong. But it is getting hard to remember that after these past few weeks. I keep waiting for my water to break or labor to start. And nothing can be done. I feel so helpless. I want so much to help my boys, but there is nothing that can be done. It is a miserable feeling. No more outings for me until things start looking better. I still can't believe how quickly they went downhill. 2 weeks ago I was told I had a cervix that looked like a fortress. (TMI?) Now, it's shortened by 65%. Starting to lose faith.  And I feel like I'm starting to drown with all this. How much more can we handle? 

Contractions

We were discharged from the hospital later on Sunday, so all in all it was a very short trip. I was prescribed meds to help reduce the contractions which help some but not as much as I would like. The doc did say with twins and the rapid stretching of the uterus to expect to have some contractions for the rest of the pregnancy. Joy. Nothing about this has been easy. I keep waiting for that moment...

Today the boys are the same gestational age as Reagan when she breathed her last. 21 weeks 3 days. I'm sure the emotional stress of that does nothing to help calm down the contractions. I've spent much of today in bed (no big surprise there) looking at our painting of Reagan and remembering our time together. Such sweet precious time. But not nearly long enough. And I am gripped with overwhelming fear that it will all happen again. That the boys aren't quite strong enough to handle all my body is putting them through and I will have to say goodbye to 2 more of my children before we even had a chance to know them. I love our boys so much and it is so hard to not be in control (there we go again with that). I want to take steps, follow a plan, and know that if I do everything right they will be okay. But I don't have that reassurance and there is nothing I can do. Just pray. 

Mother's Day

I cannot even express the grief Mother's Day holds for me as another year has come and gone with empty arms. Last year we had 14 little freezer babies. And I felt nothing like a mother. I had never seen any of my children, didn't know them, and felt very disconnected from them. We had no idea if I could even get pregnant or what the future held. And I felt considerable anger toward all women with infants or pregnant.

This year, I have a daughter. She is not with me. I have 2 sons I can't yet hold. I feel all alone again. And added onto everything, I am stuck in the hospital on the maternity ward surrounded by women who are giving birth and taking their children home. Even as I am writing this, baby cries are filling the background noise reminding me of what I don't have. I'm not angry anymore, I'm just heartbroken. And empty. And still not understanding God's plan for this.

I am now a mother. A mother who has experienced 6 months of morning sickness, 3 months of bedrest, 3 hospital stays, over 200 injections, and 10 months of pregnancy since last Mother's Day. And yet, there are no handprint or footprint handmade art for me, no child to hug and kiss and say "I love you" to. It breaks my heart. So thank you to those who sent a card or a note my way, to continue to honor Reagan's sweet little life. And I know if I had to go back to last year, I would do it all again for those few precious moments with our daughter. Because that's what a mother does.

Reagan's new garden for the summertime

Drama

Okay, my exciting day of Starbucks and registering did not work out as planned. Super bummed. But after being up most of the night with contractions, we called the doc this morning. We met her at labor and delivery for some tests and then I was admitted to try to get everything to calm down and prevent labor. And now my future holds more bed rest :(. Again, totally worth it, but still. Boys still seem oblivious to the turmoil going on around them and have healthy heartbeats. And that about sums up the weekend. Maybe we'll try our outing in another week or so...

20 weeks

I am down to only 15 more weeks! Yay! I want these boys to be strong and healthy, but man I can't wait to not be pregnant! Things are just moving right along. I am now an uncomfortable size as things are stretching like never before. That second baby in there makes just a little bit of a difference... As I measure ~5 weeks big, I get to experience fun things like passing out when I lie on my back and Braxton Hicks contractions all day long...but he little guys are getting more active and I can feel them more and that makes it all worth it.

This week's appointment brought more good news as the boys keep growing. Clot is still there but doesn't seem to be causing problems. And things look stable enough that the doc said I can start going on some outings! So tomorrow we are stopping at Starbucks and then headed to the baby store to start planning this nursery. I have to do it from the comfort of the store wheelchair, not at all embarrassing, but at least I can leave the house. If all goes well with that, we can continue to add short seated things throughout the week. Still no lifting, no cleaning, etc, but it is a step forward! Yay! God is carrying us through this pregnancy, one step at a time.