Broken

It has been one week…one week since the hardest and most devastating day of our lives.  We learned last week that we had lost our precious baby girl.  On Wednesday morning I was taken to the hospital and labor was induced.  Just over 16 hours later, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter.  Reagan Catherine Savant was born at 11:16 PM on October 31, 2012.  She was the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.  She was just perfect, only too small to make it in this world.  For some reason, God decided to take her home early.  And we are left behind, heartbroken.

This week has been by far the most challenging of my life.  I have struggled with understanding why – why would we have to struggle so much with infertility? Why would God allow us to get pregnant, only to take her away so early?  Why would I have to go through hours and hours of painful labor for a child we knew we could never take care of?  And why do we have to be surrounded by so many pregnant women with a constant reminder of what we have lost?  I have experienced every emotion possible.  And I still have no answers.  But I do know I am forever grateful for the hours we had with Reagan.

Reagan would have been a petite little thing.  She was born weighing only 7 ounces.  But her delicate little features were just perfect (and the doctor said so too, so I’m not just being a mom)  We were able to hold her and spend some time with her before we had to say goodbye.  During that time, I tried to memorize her little face.  It still makes me smile when I close my eyes and picture her.  She had tiny blonde eyebrows, her daddy’s long black eyelashes, and her mommy’s lips and chin.  I never understood how people could say of an infant “oh they look just like so-and-so” but now I do.  She was a perfect blend of us.  Her feet were only about an inch long, but already had all the texture and skin folds you would expect an adult to have.  Meme said she could just imagine those tiny feet running in heaven, which makes me very happy to think about. 

Our time together was so brief, but we tried to think of all the things we would have wanted to do with her.  So we sat and rocked her, read her a story (Brown Bear), sang her a lullaby and Jesus Loves Me, and read to her from the Bible.  She brought us so much joy, even knowing she wasn't really there with us.

But coming home without her has been heartbreaking.  The house seems so lonely, so empty, without her.  We have been loved by our neighbors and friends, but nothing really takes the pain away.  I keep trying to think of some way to bring her back, and it can’t be done.  How do I move forward from here?  And do I even want to??  I just don’t know what to do anymore.

But I can take peace in knowing she is in heaven waiting for us to come join her.  And she never had to live a day knowing the pain and suffering of this earth.  She knows Jesus, and He can give her the hugs we can’t until we are reunited.  So we had engraved on her urn Isaiah 65:17-23, a beautiful reminder of what I have to look forward to and what Reagan is already enjoying.  

"See, I will create new heavens and a new earth.  The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.  But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy. I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more.  Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years; the one who dies at a hundred will be thought a mere child; the one who fails to reach^[a] a hundred will be considered accursed. They will build houses and dwell in them; they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit. No longer will they build houses and others live in them, or plant and others eat.  For as the days of a tree, so will be the days of my people; my chosen ones will long enjoy the work of their hands.  They will not labor in vain, nor will they bear children doomed to misfortune; for they will be a people blessed by the Lord, they and their descendants with them.”

We have been working to try to preserve our memories of her and honor her short life.  We have created a memory book which, so far, we have read through every night.  We also have decided to try our had at flowers and have a container garden on the back deck filled with purple flowers…the color we started painting in her room.  And so I have spent the last afternoon before I return to work sitting outside, drinking tea, looking at Reagan’s garden, and reading a book about Heaven.  And in this particular moment, I feel God’s peace and comfort wrapped around me.  So for everyone who has been praying for us, thank you.  Your prayers are felt at the times when we are overcome with grief and anguish.