Some days it seems like I am being crushed under the weight of despair. And that God is absolutely against us. Why else would the new patient on my first day back to work be Reagan? When, in 3 years, there has never been a patient with that name in the clinic. And why would he choose to have us sit directly in front of the unwed woman who was 25 weeks pregnant on our flight? And why, this morning as I log on to Facebook for the first time so I can accept the friend request of my new cousin who just married into the family, is there a girl who announces with such joy that she "can't wait to meet my daughter this morning...headed to the hospital"??
We read from Psalms last night, and chapter 38 seems to grasp how I feel. "I am feeble and utterly crushed. I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, Lord, my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes."
How do you ever recover from this grief? How can I ever move forward again? We picked up her urn late last week and its like a new piece of me crumbled inside. And we started talking about her memorial service last night. How is this right? I keep thinking it can't be true, and that I will wake up from this awful nightmare. And then I close my eyes and I see her last ultrasound - with her empty chest. And I feel the shock and terror of that moment all over again, the moment when I realized my baby girl was gone. And I want to just curl up in bed and stay there forever. There is just too much pain.