Tuesday, November 27, 2012

4 weeks

4 weeks.  It has been 4 weeks since I learned that Reagan had passed away.  It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and dreaming of our future together, of all the little things.  Just yesterday that we were picking out her nursery colors and painting the walls.  And just seconds ago that I saw that last ultrasound.  Every time I close my eyes for the past 4 weeks, I see conflicting images - her alive and kicking like crazy, and then her tiny empty chest, no heartbeat, legs so still.  And I crumble, again.  I miss her so much, so very much.  My heart literally hurts, like I have this huge weight bearing down on me and like my insides are being shattered over and over again.  And nothing will ever make it better.  My little girl is gone.

I know in my head that I will see her again.  And I know that God's promises are true and He is faithful.  But my heart feels none of that today.  I am a broken woman, an empty shell of what I once was.  I have been grieving for Reagan and for the times I would never get to experience with her - watching her learn to crawl, take her first steps, her first smile and first words, hearing her say "Mommy" or torturing Sammy.  But I just realized yesterday after reading about grieving and hope in our devotional that I will never know her as an adult.  I'll never be able to give her marriage advice or watch her become a mother.  We'll never have that type of relationship either.  And yes, I will see her in heaven and we will be together forever, but it will never be the same.  All the children that may come in the future will never replace that piece of me that is missing.  No one will ever take the pain of losing Reagan away.  The rest of the world seems to be moving on and I am just stuck, completely heartbroken.

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