Anticipation

The anticipation of Reagan's birthday was so much harder last year than her actual birthday.  I am praying that is the case again this year.  Two years ago today I was relatively carefree in my pregnancy.  I went about my work day normally and stopped in for a check-up on my way home.  Two years ago today I saw the image that is still burned in my mind, forever in my mind.  Reagan's empty chest.  The place where, just the week before, her heart had been fluttering away.  The sense of disbelief, shock, horror.  And the overwhelming, crushing guilt.  That I had done something wrong, missed something I should have picked up on.  A mother should know her child, should know if something was wrong.  I didn't have a clue.  How could I be that out of touch?  How could I have missed something so profound?

October 30, for me, is much harder of a day.  This is the anniversary of all things awful, of the pain and emptiness.  Today marks 2 years since my world forever changed.  Today, immersing myself in planning for Reagan's Garden, getting ready for her birthday, packing for our trip, well, it's not enough.  I can't get that image out of my mind, can't wrap my head around it all.  Two years later, I still don't have answers to my why questions.  I still don't understand why some have it so easy and others don't, why some children die and others don't.  So, I'm going back to the one place I can find rest: Christ.  I am leaning heavily on Him today to carry me through, to remind me constantly that Reagan is loved and cared for.  That He is giving her all the hugs and kisses she needs until I can join her.  I'm back outside with my tea, Reagan's newly planted garden, basking in the warm of the early morning sun, and reading about heaven.  Trying again to grasp all my baby girl is doing and learning and loving. Trying not to let myself break again that she is doing all that without me, because I will have all of eternity to catch up.