Expectations

Life is not at all how I dreamed it.  I was always a planner.  I can remember in college sitting out by the pool, talking about what my future would hold.  When I think back, I always imagined having 4 kids.  Naturally.  And the first would arrive when I was 25.  And I would be finished by 30.  One boy and 3 girls.  That was the plan, and I was somehow so sure of it.  And here I am, at 28 almost 29, with 3 children.  One in heaven, 2 fighting in the NICU.  I have never spent the night with them, never been there for them in the middle of the night, never even been alone with them.  None of my children have ever been outside the hospital.  Including my hospitalization, the boys have spent 4 months inside the walls of Presbyterian Hospital.

We moved stuff around because we had carpet cleaners come and had to move Reagan's bookshelf into the bathroom. (Didn't want the carpet guys to move that one)  And I just sat there, holding her urn, sobbing.  She should be here.  She should be able to give her brothers advice, which they promptly ignore because she's just a girl and what do girls know??  We sit in the hospital and hold the boys and sometimes tell them about their big sister.  We try to emphasize that she is in heaven and we will see her again, so not to be sad.  But I don't think we're very convincing since we cry each time.  So today, I am especially missing her.  Some days are like that, tomorrow will be better.

We continue to try to trust in God's timing and wisdom.  There is a reason we are being challenged with this, and there is always something to learn.  And really, the boys are doing very well.  With being born at 27 weeks, missing the entire 3rd trimester, things could have been bad.  But, God is good and has protected them.  And, at some point in September, we should be able to bring them home.  To the new cribs my neighbor so graciously picked up for us.  Until then, it's back to the hospital for us, and back to Charlotte living for a few more weeks.