Exhaustion

So, the NICU got the best of me yesterday as I sat there sobbing, unable to pull it together. When I really think about it, we are so blessed things have gone so smoothly. No major problems with either boy, no infections, no bleeds, no complications other than them being micro preemies. But sometimes it gets to me and I have a little pity party for myself. Last night, it was the feelings and pumping. We start Warren at 7:15 with his assessment, feed at 7:30, and repeat with Dean. This wraps up at 8:40 by the time Dean is burped and settled. Then I pump, 8:50-9:30. And the cycle gets repeated again starting at 10:15. Giving me a 45 minute break. All day and all night. The thought of doing that at home is overwhelming and exhausting. And the fact that they don't breast feed doubles the time. But, according to lactation, that will continue for the first ~2 months they are home. Can I handle 2 months of sleeping 45 minutes at a time?  Am I that dedicated to breast feeding??  Not so sure at the moment... 

This is supposed to be my time of rest. I use the term rest rather loosely, as I still only sleep for 2 hour increments between pumps and am at the hospital before 7:30 for the first feeding. And there is so much guilt at leaving them there during the day to run errands, eat, nap, etc that I can't seem to let myself do it. Especially now that they are bigger and know who I am. And I can hold them. So hard to be away. Just continuing to pray the boys develop more and we can all go home soon!  Preferably on the same day so we don't have to balance that as well!