Life is still hard. All the time. Every day I think of my daughter and what could have been, and I find myself potentially spiraling down into despair again. It is so hard. Time does not seem to make it easier. And yet, as I start to draw back in and collapse, I am surrounded my encouragement. I get a letter or note from someone else who is praying for us. I get a vision of Reagan in heaven, so content and loved. I see the beautiful painting Mom did that is hanging in our room. Or I look at her picture in my office. And when I think of Reagan, when I remember her life and where she is now, I am filled with peace, hope, and joy. Our little girl is safe, not wanting for anything. She never cried - not one time in her entire life did she shed a tear. And I can take peace in that.
I am learning how little I have trusted God in the past. Yes, I said I was trying to trust Him. But I never really did. Maybe in my head, not in my heart. I trusted in the doctors. I trusted in my medical appointments. I trusted in the drugs they used to keep me pregnant. And through it all, I added in prayers that God would keep her safe. But it was really more of an afterthought. When we first lost Reagan, I thought I would never trust God again. Because he had taken our daughter away from me. But for some reason, I trust Him more. I know I can't do anything to save our future children, our little freezer babies. The doctors can't give me more medication or run more tests or do anything that will save them. God has a plan that at the moment does not involve us being parents to children living on earth. The desire in my heart to be a mother, to care for our children, is stronger now than before Reagan was born because I have just a glimpse of what it will be like. And so we pray regularly that God will keep our freezer babies healthy and that one day we will get to hold healthy children, bring them home, watch them grow. And until then, He is sustaining me with His grace and peace. Because left unto my own, I am weak and crumble and could not get by. I am learning to rely on God as His grace is sufficient for me.