Saturday, January 19, 2013


Life seems to be circling round and round.  Almost every day of the week marks an anniversary - Tuesdays are so many weeks since we found out Reagan was gone, Wednesdays are so many weeks since she was born, Thursdays are so many weeks since we saw her for the last time.  And Saturdays are the days when I remember where she should be.  33 weeks today.  Instead, she is 11 weeks gone.  My whole life is a counting game now.  When does it end?   Every week I think of where we should be.  I look around and am constantly reminded of her and what I don't have.  Pain is so great.  And the moments of peace and comfort are still mixed in there, but some days it is still hard to breathe.  Some days we still break down and sob for our little girl and all we've lost.  My heart still aches, broken.

I don't write much anymore because I don't have much to share.  I have exploded with grief and shared what we have to look forward to.  And outside of that, what is there?  Things don't go according to plan (or I'd already have 2 children...) and yet I keep trying to plan.  I keep thinking I can control something in my life, and it just never quite works out the way I want.  Sigh...

1 comment:

  1. I just want you to know I'm praying for you- praying that you will FEEL his nearness...
    "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

    I trust the Lord will bring you healing. And I look forward with joyful anticipation to the fulfillment of Psalm 126 in your story: "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of JOY! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him"

    Big hugs friend.