Standstill

Life seems to be circling round and round.  Almost every day of the week marks an anniversary - Tuesdays are so many weeks since we found out Reagan was gone, Wednesdays are so many weeks since she was born, Thursdays are so many weeks since we saw her for the last time.  And Saturdays are the days when I remember where she should be.  33 weeks today.  Instead, she is 11 weeks gone.  My whole life is a counting game now.  When does it end?   Every week I think of where we should be.  I look around and am constantly reminded of her and what I don't have.  Pain is so great.  And the moments of peace and comfort are still mixed in there, but some days it is still hard to breathe.  Some days we still break down and sob for our little girl and all we've lost.  My heart still aches, broken.

I don't write much anymore because I don't have much to share.  I have exploded with grief and shared what we have to look forward to.  And outside of that, what is there?  Things don't go according to plan (or I'd already have 2 children...) and yet I keep trying to plan.  I keep thinking I can control something in my life, and it just never quite works out the way I want.  Sigh...