Thursday, January 31, 2013

Moving on??

Everyone wants to know how we are doing, which I definitely appreciate being asked.  But the one thing I don't know how to respond to is when people say the phrase "move on."  Apparently it is now time that we "move on."  Our daughter left us 3 months ago.  That must be the amount of time we get.  It doesn't make me angry anymore, when people say things like that to me.  It just makes me sad.  And lonely.  I'd like to think that no matter how much time passes, I will never be expected to move on.  Because you never can.  How do you ever move on?

No, instead we are moving forward.  Sounds like a technicality but it is a huge difference.  Moving on implies forgetting, not looking back, not remembering.  Moving forward is taking steps toward the future while always remembering what our precious Reagan has taught us.  My whole life has changed forever - my goals, my values, my perspectives.  Nothing will ever be the same.  And yes, we continue to grieve for her.  We miss her desperately.  And some days, I still have to curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably.  But we now live with hope.  We will see our Reagan again.  We'll spend a billion years plus with her, longer than we can comprehend.  We will absolutely miss her for the next 60 years while we live on earth, but that will seem like only seconds when viewed with eternity.

And so we move forward.  We are taking little steps toward allowing ourselves to feel happy again.  We try to laugh.  We try to do little things for ourselves or for others.  And sometimes I feel overwhelming guilt when I do have moments where I am enjoying something, because it just feels wrong.  It always feels wrong to be without our daughter.  We have had so much heartache and sorrow in the past year, and it is so hard to not get wrapped in that, to let myself feel again.  But we are trying.

Reagan would be 3 months old today.  Happy birthday little one.  I just pray that she will know how much we think about her on these days.  And know that we will never "move on" no matter how much time passes.

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