The decision to take steps forward is a challenging one. Each time we allow ourselves some semblance of joy or talk of the future, there is a pang of guilt for not doing something for Reagan. All other mothers' lives revolve around their children after birth. And so it is hard when that is not clear in my life. If I let myself, I could stay in one place forever.
And so, with much prayer, we decided to take some forward steps. To look forward to something in our future. And so in January we did another transfer. Reagan healed my body of all the problems that kept me from getting pregnant. And we are pregnant! Twins! 9 weeks. God is so good to us and we cannot wait to be parents to children here.
But things have not been easy this time around either. And we desperately need prayers. I was hospitalized on Tuesday morning after 24 hours of uncontrolled bleeding and contractions. But these two precious little ones are hanging in there. We were told yesterday morning that my water had broke. At they point, they were not sure if it was one or both babies being lost. And so we prayed desperately for the one remaining. About an hour later they did an ultrasound to check on the miscarriage and the other baby and there were 2 heartbeats! Doctors have no explanation for how that is, but we still have 2 healthy babies. I am still in the hospital, still in pain, and still bleeding without cause. But God is holding our 2 little ones safe and healthy right now when we have been told there is nothing to do but wait. And so we wait and continue to pray for a miracle.