Sunday, December 23, 2012


Okay, as I take a few steps back from my emotional breakdown on Wednesday, I have learned an important lesson.  Though writing helps me to heal and makes me feels as though I am doing something to calm myself, I should maybe wait just a few minutes before I explode publicly.  Everything I wrote was exactly what I was feeling at that point, but not how I feel all the time.  I have a tendency to write when things seem full of hope and promise, so I can share that hope with others and let them find encouragement with Reagan's life.  OR, I write when I am so consumed by my own grief that I feel like I can't go on, that I am being swallowed up.  That was where I was on Wednesday, and a few more days of peace following has helped me to move toward becoming whole again.

Christmas - yes, still not a fan.  But it's the worldly side of Christmas we are hating.  When the one gift we want, Reagan, no one can give back to us.  When I walk through the stores and see all the little pink clothes, "Baby's first Christmas" frames and ornaments, and people walking with strollers.  I long to be that person, to be out getting all these things for my daughter.  That is not possible, because she is gone.  BUT, I do still want to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.  Because Christ came to Earth and was born, He followed God's ultimate plan and died.  Died for us, so that Reagan could be in Heaven with Him.  And without his birth, we would really have no hope.  So I am back to focusing on that, on Reagan in heaven.  Trying to figure out what she is doing, if she is watching us or praying for us, if she is having so much fun with Samuel running around.  I wonder if they celebrate Christmas up there?  Anything special to celebrate the birth of our Savior?

So thank you, to everyone who has prayed for us since Wednesday.  Your prayers have been felt as God has once again wrapped himself around me to bring me a sense of peace which can only be from up above.  Circumstances have not changed in these past few days, perspective has.  And I pray that I can stay on this side for longer and longer time periods before becoming overcome again and losing sight of the fact that Reagan is happy and healthy and loved.  And as a parent, when I think of only her, what more can I ask for?

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