Every once in a while I have these moments of peace. Mostly I alternate between rage (how in the world could God do this to us?) and being numb. I continue to struggle with the why. And trying to figure out what lesson God is teaching me through this. And why could He not have taught me that lesson in another way? A less painful one? One when my daughter did not have to die? One in which I was not surrounded by pregnant women constantly? One that did not cause this suffocating grief? But He did not chose to do things that way, and yet again I am left trying to surrender the illusion of control. Because let's be honest, I've never really been in control. And this proves it. If I was in control, she would be happy and kicking around in my belly. I would now be in my 3rd trimester - complaining of being fat, waddling around the office at work, fighting swollen legs and hemorrhoids and heart burn.
I'm getting off topic, happens so quickly now. Just takes a second to get sucked back into my sorrows, when I started writing this today so I could share my peace. Okay, let's try this again. Every once in a while I have these moments of peace. Today it came after reading more on heaven. My new favorite pastime (one in which I can find joy while not feeling guilty for not thinking constant of Reagan) is sitting outside in the sunshine with my tea right next to Reagan's garden. That sort of makes me sound like I've turned into an old woman... But today, I was reading a book on heaven. I've struggled to get through this book with all the complicated theology and references. So today, I skipped ahead. And read the fun part - about relationships and society and family and everything we will experience. And it just makes me so happy to catch glimpses of what Reagan might be doing up there.
Today, I found it reassuring that I will know my daughter when I get to heaven. I have always had this fear that heaven would feel somewhat lonely - I would be worshiping the Lord so I would not really miss anything while there and would be content and filled with joy. But it just seemed a little empty to me. And the more I read and study, scripture paints a very different picture. Relationships will continue in heaven as they did on Earth, just minus sin. No more bitterness or petty fights, no back talking or lying, no deceit or gossip. Reagan will never have to deal with that. And the God given gifts we have on Earth will continue in heaven. Not just things like "faith" or "prayer" or "hospitality" (though I'm sure those will as well) but musical talents, dancing, acting, etc. We will return to the way we were originally created before the fall, worshiping God through all actions. Not just singing hymns or reading the Bible (though, again, I'm sure we will do that) And so, very soon I will get to see Reagan dancing her heart away in the streets of heaven. And she will never trip, lose her balance, or be off beat. She will be perfect at it, just the way God created her. And when I get to heaven, I will know her. We will pick up our relationship where we left off. And we'll dance together. And then she will dance with her Daddy (who won't even step on her feet!) And it will be the sweetest reunion.
Not only will we be reunited with Reagan, but we will get the opportunity to know her twin we lost before we even found out gender. I always thought we had one of each, so until I know differently, it is a boy. A little boy I like to think of as Samuel. Who has sandy brown hair, chubby cheeks, and runs through the field of purple flowers holding his sister's hand and laughing. (cause, remember, in heaven they get along. no fighting!) We will learn what he enjoys doing, what his talents are, and how God is using him for His glory. I have 2 children waiting for me. And their waiting is filled with joy and wonder and awe with the Lord. No pain on their behalf, just mine. And mine is temporary. Until we are reunited again...