I was given from the women in my small group a journal specifically for women who have suffered infant loss. It is such a wonderful gift (so thank you so much for those of you who were a part of it, and to Leah for arranging the whole thing) and I have begun to pour my heart out in it. The following words are taken from the page titled "One Month" from when Reagan would have had her first little birthday.
I cannot believe it has already been 1 month. One month since I held my precious Reagan in my arms for the last tie. Time has not really made it any easier. Sometimes I am so completely overwhelmed with how much I miss her that I can hardly breathe. I now know true pain and heartbreak. I will always miss my sweet baby girl and know nothing will ever take her place.
The past month has been an emotional roller coaster. At times I have collapsed on the ground, sobbing and missing my Reagan so bad. My heart literally aches and there is a huge weight pushing down on me, suffocating me. At times the grief is unbearable and I would how I could ever go on. I had that yesterday. I thought of how I should be putting the "1 month" sticker on her chest, posing her with stuffed animals, and posting in on Facebook. But I never will. We have pictures with her in my belly and from the hospital, and that is all. I will never get a new picture, unless there are cameras in heaven?
At other times, I have felt incredible peace. A peace I know can only come from above. I realize Reagan is in a much better place. She is not suffering, not even a little right now. She will never know pain or heartache, will never be lonely or unloved. She will never have tears running down her tiny, little face. Right now, she is perfect. She is healthy. And she is loved. She will never know anything different. We prayed for God to keep her safe, and He has. Just not in the way I expected.
Reagan has touched so many lives here on Earth. In nearly 28 years, I have done very little. And in 21 weeks, she has already had a greater impact on the world. That is such a blessing for me, to know her life counted. Of course it counted for us, as she has brought us so much joy. But it also brings me peace to know her life has helped others. Makes me a proud Mommy.
One month ago, I said goodbye to my precious little one. I looked into her eyes for the first and last time. I rocked her and sang her a lullaby for the first and last time. I told her I loved her for the last time. I still remember exactly how it felt to hand her over to the funeral home - like my insides were shattering, like my heart had stopped beating, like I was dying inside. I felt that again when we picked up her urn and baby blanket, when I looked at her memory book at a family wedding, shortly before her memorial, and at Thanksgiving. And I'm sure I will feel that way again. Each time I thought I might die of grief, sadness, loneliness. And each time God has carried me through. I am now one month closer to seeing my Reagan again and spending eternity with her.