Sunday, July 8, 2012


We had our 3rd and final blood test today and still positive!  I am so excited.  But it has been a rough couple of days.  I had some sharper pains that started on Friday, following by cramping and a complete resolution of all pregnancy symptoms I was feeling throughout the week.  Gone.  Just like that.  And so I assumed the worst, and thought that must mean our babies are gone too.  I had myself convinced that the next blood test would be negative, and it was all I could think about.  Gone was the peace, the joy, the trust in the Lord.  Everything just flew out the window as I collapsed on the bathroom floor, mourning for the loss of my children.  This shows me several things.  First, I really do love these little ones.  It happens so quick.  I always heard that, but never was able to experience it until this weekend.  Second, when things get tough, I completely resort back to all old habits.  God has taken us on this journey, has guided us through, and has helped me to overcome every medical obstacle possible to allow me to be in this position right now.  And how quickly I can doubt Him and lose all trust and faith.  I am so weak.

So, this is going to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster (still) as I overreact to all the little things.  I imagine seeing the ultrasound next week, knowing they are really in there instead of just some obscure blood test, will help.  But I also have until next Friday before that happens, with no blood test confirmations in between.  Eek.  Praying that God would continue to make me a stronger woman and help me to rely on him for my peace as we continue to wait.

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