Bittersweet

Yesterday was an emotional day. Everything started normally, but at some point around lunch time I started bleeding. So many emotions go through your mind when you see that. Terror, grief, hope, trust, fear, heartbreak. I definitely cycled through all of those as I waited to get in to see the doctor. We headed up to REACH and it was confirmed that we lost one of the babies. Not necessarily at the exact moment I was bleeding, but at some point in the last week. It is going to be so hard to stop saying "the babies" when we talk to each other, talk about our future, and pray for them. There is no longer a "them." No more double strollers, double cribs, boy/girl rooms, cute matching clothes. Breaks my heart a little bit.

BUT...we still have one baby. We got to see our beautiful (well, blob-shaped but one day beautiful) little baby on the ultrasound. We got to watch him on the screen, watch his little heartbeat flicker. And we got to hear the wonderful sound of his little tiny heartbeat! 124 beat per minute...just perfect. The doctor said everything looked great - that he saw no reason why anything would happen to the remaining baby.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14

Morning Sickness

Ok, so I have learned a very important lesson in the past week.  Never pray that God would remind you daily that you are, in fact, pregnant.  Don't doubt He is in control and beg for a sign that you have not lost the babies.  Because...wham!  Morning sickness.  I am trying to take advantage of these few minutes when I do not want to throw up or cry or lie in the fetal position.  Ugh...  Not that I am complaining, because it really is such a joy to be pregnant.  I am a little more awestruck each week as I get my updated emails with the size of the baby (pea-sized this week) and what organs are developing (the heart is already beating at 150 bpm!!).  But it is very challenging to work when I feel a little like death.  Just a little, and then I remind myself it is all because of these babies we have prayed so hard for, and then I feel a little better.

I have had two big fears in life.  Not really being alone, not really dying.  Nope, my fears are 1.) vomit and 2.) needles.  Wow, how God uses our circumstances to just push us right outside of our comfort zone.  Thankfully I am just feeling sick and not getting sick (He only gives us what we can handle!) but I am continuing to learn so much.

We have our 1st ultrasound in 2 days - our first opportunity to see the babies and their tiny little heartbeats.  I am so excited!  Right now it's just this vague blood test, this hCG level, and that's it.  My body is telling me now that they are there, but I haven't actually seen them.  And that is just going to make my day.  I'll have new pictures for the fridge!  And then we can finally tell our families and I can publish these last few blogs!  YAY!

Relief

We had our 3rd and final blood test today and still positive!  I am so excited.  But it has been a rough couple of days.  I had some sharper pains that started on Friday, following by cramping and a complete resolution of all pregnancy symptoms I was feeling throughout the week.  Gone.  Just like that.  And so I assumed the worst, and thought that must mean our babies are gone too.  I had myself convinced that the next blood test would be negative, and it was all I could think about.  Gone was the peace, the joy, the trust in the Lord.  Everything just flew out the window as I collapsed on the bathroom floor, mourning for the loss of my children.  This shows me several things.  First, I really do love these little ones.  It happens so quick.  I always heard that, but never was able to experience it until this weekend.  Second, when things get tough, I completely resort back to all old habits.  God has taken us on this journey, has guided us through, and has helped me to overcome every medical obstacle possible to allow me to be in this position right now.  And how quickly I can doubt Him and lose all trust and faith.  I am so weak.

So, this is going to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster (still) as I overreact to all the little things.  I imagine seeing the ultrasound next week, knowing they are really in there instead of just some obscure blood test, will help.  But I also have until next Friday before that happens, with no blood test confirmations in between.  Eek.  Praying that God would continue to make me a stronger woman and help me to rely on him for my peace as we continue to wait.

Positive :)

WE ARE PREGNANT!! We finally had some good news from the doctor with a high HcG level today! YAY!! So so very excited.

I wanted to try to write as soon as possible after our news so I can remember just how this feels...some definite disbelief initially, followed by shock, joy, giddiness, and some other stuff I don't know how to even describe. I am in awe of how it feels to have 2 little ones, not just in me, but attached to me. (though my body feels the same as it did yesterday...) The moment we have prayed for for 2 years is finally here! It is still very early in this, which is why we are waiting until a second blood test before I actually post this, but I am just so excited to be at this point. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put into words what all has gone through my mind, and I think I'm having so much difficulty because it still seems so surreal. And I hesitate to be all excited and plan for the future after only 1 blood test for fear it will all be ripped away from me. So I'm trying not to think about that, knowing God is faithful even when I am weak, and just experience the joy of right now. Without the fear of the future.

So, our HcG needed to be 50. Not a real big number, just 50. We were at 849! Which most likely means we are having twins (which I would love). So we went out to dinner to celebrate and very briefly starting discussing the nursery plans. Andrew wants to pain the walls yellow if we have boy/girl and I want to paint them lilac if we have only girls. Pinterest is going to get very interesting in the coming months as I plan out our dream nursery :)

We go back for a second blood test on Thursday and will know the results by late that afternoon. Until then, we keep praying!

Waiting

The week is finally here...by the end of this week we will likely have some news!!  I am always just a little behind with the schedule of things (the one thing my doctor is really lacking is telling me what is coming up next) but I heard a rumor I would know by Friday.  So that is what I am counting on.  Less than one week :)  So I am excited now, crying this morning, and all emotions imaginable in between.  Whew, what a journey this is.  But God knows what He is doing, and what I am supposed to learn, and won't give me more than I can handle.  I say this as I am staring at the Hope bracelet I was given at church this morning, knowing it will stay on my wrist as a constant reminder of putting my hope in the Lord no matter the outcome.

I think our babies are probably some of the most prayed for babies in all of history.  And I love it.  As someone who is only recently beginning to understand prayer and God's power, I think that is such a wonderful thing.  And we are so appreciative of people checking in on us.  It is amazing how God knows exactly when I need some encouragement and right at that moment we get a phone call, text, or email from someone letting us know they are continuing to pray.  So please do continue to pray and know how much that means to us.