Pregnancy after loss is a beast. The emotions are not what they should be for this stage of life. There's not a lot of joy, not a lot of hope, and definitely no planning for the future. It's like I have somehow convinced myself that it won't hurt as bad if I try to keep these babies at arm's length. Right... With all my other pregnancies, I started secret pintrest boards right away. With Reagan, well, she was my first and we were BEYOND excited. And super naive. Didn't have a clue, really. With the twins, we were assured in those early appointments that stillbirth was so rare, it would surely never happen again. I can't say there was a lot of joy in that pregnancy with all the complications surrounding it, but stillbirth wasn't really on the radar. Then came Hannah, and for once I got to see what a normal pregnancy was all about. No complications, no bed rest, no bleeding. It was wonderful. Lucas went along the exact same way. We had no reason to doubt. So, I still feel a whole lot of that initial shock, because we just didn't know to expect anything. I was told "it's like getting hit by lightening twice." Along with that comes this feeling of complete distrust. Because no matter how normal the pregnancy, no matter what week we reach, my body may still fail. My babies may still die. They've actually said that I have a 1/20 chance of it happening again. 5%. That almost seems like too high a percentage to ever try this again. Almost.
See, here's the problem. I believe life begins at conception. I always have. So, this means my embryo are my children. That is how Andrew and I talk about them. These "freezer babies" are just as much ours as any of the children I've birthed. What was it about Lucas that made us love him so much? It wasn't that he snuggled up to me, it wasn't that he was a "good" baby, it wasn't that he told me he loved me or stopped crying when his mommy held him. No. What made us love Lucas was simply that he was ours. He is my son. That is all that we needed. So, I feel the same way about our freezer babies. They are my flesh and blood. I was chosen to be their mommy. For however long that may be. And so, we took a giant leap, and I now have 2 babies growing in my belly. We don't know for how long, we don't have guarantees of tomorrow. But for today, they are there. Some moments I am paralyzed with fear, some moments I am distracted enough to not think about it. How's that for a start to life, babies? Ugh. It will get better. And, though I am instinctively trying not to connect, I know I already love them.
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