I cannot believe it has been 5 years since I met you for the first and only time. I remember having so many fears as I walked into labor and delivery, so unsure of what was going to happen. I was afraid it was going to break me, the emotions and the pain of it all. How could anyone survive? I remember walking up to the desk, holding you protectively in my belly, praying that this wasn't actually happening. I vaguely remember them talking me through the process but I didn't have a clue what to expect - you never should have come that early. We weren't ready for it. Throughout that day, your daddy was my rock. He rubbed my back with each contraction and read to me for hours. As labor intensified and I knew you were almost here, I got so scared. I didn't want you to be born yet, because then it would be over. I would never physically feel any of you anymore, and that just seemed too much to handle.
But then you were born, and this switch happened just like I always dreamed it would. In an instant, I was a mother. I loved you so incredibly much. There you were, this little piece of me. You looked so much like me, even though you were so little. Same little nose, same eyes, same little crinkle in your forehead - Hannah actually has it too! There was so much joy in your birth. Daddy and I are still amazed at what a gift that was. Such precious time together, time I will never forget. I so vividly remember holding you for the first time, feeling you in my arms. I remember singing you your first lullaby in the rocking chair, reading you your only little book, holding you close. I am thankful for every second we had together. And I've missed you every day since. Even 5 years later, your absence is felt. I wonder what you are doing - do you love tea parties like Hannah? Do you run wild and carefree like Warren and Dean? Do you pick flowers for us like we do for you? Do you know how much we love you? Because, sweet Reagan, we love you immeasurably.
So today, on the day of your birth, we celebrate you. Well, we tried to anyway... I imagine if you were still here, the day might have been a good indication of what you could have expected. Temper tantrums from your brothers. Followed my more temper tantrums. Some potty on the floor and pooping in the tent. A little bit of trick-or-treating with fights over candy. We so desperately want you to have one super special day, but that doesn't seem to be real life at this point. So, we did the best we could. We made dinner and had some birthday cake. We made (well, started...) cards for you with all the glitter you could ever want. We sent you some balloons (only 3 this year - the kids popped 2 of them...) And now we're settling down to look through our pictures with you. Precious shots of us holding you exactly 5 years ago.
I cannot wait until I can run up to you in heaven and wrap my arms around you and have you return that hug. To feel your arms around me. I am so thankful that I was chosen to be your mommy, thankful for the profound impact you've had on my life and those around us. I love you so much Rea Rea. Always and forever.
Mommy
Happy birthday sweet Reagan! We all look forward to meeting you one day!
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