Oh, to be back here again. Another sweet little baby Savant has gone on to heaven. I now have 9 babies away. Five of them I knew about for only 5 days. Two of them lived inside of me for less than 7 weeks - I have a single picture. I will never get another. I never really got a chance to know them. And of course, two of them I carried and labored and birthed and held, then ultimately had to say goodbye. There is so much grief here.
Today was ultrasound day. Less than a month ago, two babies were there. We had no signs or indications that either of them would be lost. I was actually really confident that my next pregnancy would be twins. Boy-Girl twins to be exact. And maybe this pregnancy was, but I will never know. Because there on the ultrasound, was one baby. Only one. My doctors tell me this is the best possible outcome with my history. I'm sure, medically, they are right. But emotionally? Well, how is it "best" to have a baby die? Again. It doesn't feel right. There is no sense of relief that I won't go through the twin thing again.
BUT...there was one baby. One little heartbeat fluttering inside a little gummy bear. Sweet baby. But, I was measuring on the small side of normal, which has never happened before. We grow big babies here (well, relative to their birth weeks anyway), so small has never been in the cards. And the heart rate wasn't where we'd like it to be, a bit on the low end. Still considered "normal," I've been told not to worry, but I can't help but let my mind go there. So, this little one needs some major prayers. Because, honestly, I don't have the strength to do it myself.
Sweet little peanut <3
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