I'm sitting here with Dean on my lap watching Warren pushing chairs around the kitchen. In the last 5 minutes there have been no less than 4 temper tantrums. We sometimes average slightly less than 1 a minute. Sigh. But I love it. Love the craziness of these boys. Love how Dean puts 100% into everything he does. Love how Warren follows him around and gives me a little smirk before he does something wrong. (Ok, confession...as I am writing that sentence about Warren, Dean walks up and bites me. We have time-out. Warren poops. I change his diaper. See...craziness!)
Today, we are taking a step toward increasing the chaos of our lives. I am simultaneous terrified and excited beyond words. I am ready for another baby in our lives, ready for the sleepless nights and crying. (or as ready as anyone can really be) What causes the terror is the idea of pregnancy. Let's face it, my track record is poor to say the least. Pregnancy has never been easy, from getting pregnant to staying pregnant. After saying goodbye to Reagan, we said we wanted to give all our children a chance. (eek...that was 12 embryo at that time). After the boys, watching them in the NICU, I wasn't so sure. We're taking steps to prevent as many complications as possible, but honestly it's completely out of our hands. And maybe that scares me the most...knowing that I don't have control. It was a wonderful, freeing thought with Warren and Dean. To know that the doctors didn't have to be right, to know that God was bigger than them and all the statistics. And today, we're faced with slim statistics again (with regards to the transfer being successful at all) and my instinct is to take back complete control, to try to figure out what I can say or do to make it work on our end. I diminish God and His power when I have thoughts that maybe if I pray more or study scripture more or say/think the right things then He will bless me with this child. Because, then it's not really at all about God and all about me thinking I might, what, trick Him? It's ridiculous, to write it all out. But as I was not sleeping last night, these were the thoughts going through my head.
In just a few hours, I'll take my dose of Valium and, in a slightly dazed state, I will see my 5th child for the first time. I'll meet the child who maybe shared a spot next to Dean. (Wow, this is all so weird). And I'll have to trust,wholeheartedly and with everything I have, that God is in control of this child's life, that He has a plan, and that His plan is better than mine.
Not sure if I'll ever post this, as we have kept our news of transfer quiet this time. But I wanted to document my thoughts in the moments I am having them. We are praying for a successful transfer and for peace as we wait. If you're reading this, then we already know one way or another. If you're not seeing posts announcing pregnancy with a cute picture of some sort, well, then you know. Reagan will be playing with another sibling in heaven. Oh, trusting is so incredibly hard...