We found out on Andrew's birthday that we are, in fact, expect again. YAY! Another positive test, another little life. We are in a state of shock, as all odds told us this one would have to fail. We hoped, we prayed, but there was always this little nagging voice in the back of my head reminding me that it just wasn't likely. And yet, God proved once again that He is bigger than all our stats and all the medical odds. Honestly I just shouldn't look at them anymore.
We had some moments of excitement, we celebrated with a dinner out and the purchasing of an adorable gender-neutral newborn sleeper, and then the fears started taking over. What if I miscarry? What if my body fails again? What if I start hemorrhaging while I'm out with the boys? What if I have to go on bed rest? Who will care for our children? What if this one dies too? What if he/she is born too early again? And on and on AND ON my mind raced. I feel like we have these weeks to count down to...if we can just get past 6 weeks, past 8 weeks, past 11 weeks...then I can relax. Except there seems to be another milestone always right around the corner. Maybe once I get to 27 weeks? Then I can relax? Though I'm sure I'll have something else to worry about then. It's really sad. And it shows me several things. First, this could potentially be a long and miserable pregnancy even if there are really no problems. I can create that all by myself. And second, I really do not trust God with my babies. If I did, I would rest in His glory and peace. But I don't. I feel like I can't. Which is ridiculous.
All that to say, we are super excited, super nervous, and absolutely terrified about these coming months. Which one wins depends on the day. Please pray for us as we wait.
Happy Birthday Andrew! Here was his last present of the day. Subtle, but the best way I could include all our kiddos.