Wednesday, January 1, 2014


Wow, what a year!  I am sitting here reflection on all this year has brought for us as the boys drift off to sleep.  One year ago today, we arrived back home after holiday travels with empty arms and aching hearts.  2012 brought so much pain and heartache as we said goodbye to our precious Reagan.  And yet, I was so grateful for those few precious hours we had together that I could never say it was the worst year.  It was the hardest year for sure, but we welcomed our daughter, our firstborn, into the world.  And no matter how much pain is associated with that, there is still considerable joy.  But on New Years day of 2013, I was still overcome with grief.  And as I looked ahead to the year to come, I had no idea what to expect.  We had already decided when to do our next IVF transfer, had prayed for that and for the unknown results.  There was so much uncertainty - would the transfer take, would I miscarry, would I have another stillborn??  I was terrified.

And things definitely did not go according to plan.  I was counting up in my head the number of times the doctors told me the boys would not make it.  Four.  Four separate times, four separate doctors.  All told me to say goodbye, to prepare myself.  And yet, God is bigger than all that.  Though I sometimes question why my miracle babies had to be "miracles," why things couldn't have gone normally from the very beginning, I am incredibly grateful for where we are now.  Warren and Dean are now 6 months old and growing like crazy, finally passing into double digits for their weights, laughing and playing, and developing their own little personalities.  Two years ago at NYE we threw a party.  Last year we were mourning.  And this year, I didn't even get out of my PJs.  We didn't leave the house.  And we fell asleep by 10:30.  And yet, there was no where else I would rather be than right here at home with all 3 of my boys.

2014 will continue to bring more changes as we work on settling into more of a routine with the boys, as they start crawling, walking and talking.  I am so excited for each of their "firsts" and all the memories associated with that.  So much fun ahead!

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