Wednesday, January 15, 2014

SAHM part 2

Ok, so I was thinking things over last night while I couldn't sleep and I realized how ungrateful I have sounded in my last 2 posts.  Yes, this is hard.  And some days it is harder than others.  But being a stay at home mom is also the best job ever.  I get to see Warren and Dean grow and develop.  I get to watch them learn and try to figure things out.  I am there for them when they cry as they learn they can trust Mommy.  I get to read them stories and rock them to sleep.  I get to tell them about Jesus, the Bible, heaven, and their big sister.  And I get to wake up to these 2 little faces:

How incredible!  The moments when their little faces light up at something goofy we are doing.  Or just because they see me.  So wonderful.

And I was thinking about how much extra time we had with them, just to cuddle, while they were in the NICU.  I didn't get to hold them very often the first 6 weeks of their lives as they were connected to the walls with tubes and lines helping to keep them alive.  But after that, for the next 5-7 weeks (for Dean, then Warren) I got to just enjoy them.  I spent all day at the hospital, often up to 12+ hours, and my only responsibility was to hold them, feed them, and pump.  While I was there, I was only wishing they would come home.  But looking back, what a blessing to have that much time together!  No housework, no cooking, no computers, nothing but me and my boys.  After each pumping session I had a good 1.5 hours of uninterrupted quality time with one before feeding started again.  And the next break time, I could hold the other one.  I could read to them, talk to them, rock them, or just hold them close.  When I had a little help to get them out, I could even hold them together.  And because they were preemies, for the most part they just cuddled up with me and slept.  No crying, just peace.  Their "newborn" stage where they just want to sleep and be held was so much longer than most people get.  How lucky am I??  How many moms get that much time with their newborns?  It was hard to never be alone with them, to not be there for them at night, to wait for them to figure out how to breathe and eat (and then coordinate both at the same time!) but I definitely got more time with them in the NICU than once they came home.  Part of that is because of my decision to breastfeed and their continued struggle with grasping the concept, but part of it is just life - because at home there are meals to prepare, clothes to wash, chores to do.  And at the NICU?  None of that.  So I am extremely grateful for those early months, for the blessing of extra time together, and for the ability to watch them miraculously grow and develop outside of the womb.


  1. I've read your blog for a while but never commented. I don't think your last two posts sound ungrateful. They sound like the things so many moms before you have thought and said. Babies are hard, two babies are harder. You're human, and you can't expect yourself to be positive and happy 100% of the time; that's unreasonable. Being tired or frustrated by a bad day doesn't make you ungrateful, it makes you a normal mom. Hang in there, it does get better.

  2. Thanks Vicki! It's hard to balance the frustrations of taking care of infants with the gratitude that they even survived and are thriving and then communicate that through words.