I can't believe 6 months has passed since we welcomed our daughter into this world and said goodbye. Six months since I laid eyes on her for the first and last time. Six months, to the minute, since I saw her empty chest and my life shattered. And though the pieces are slowly being put back together, the pain is just as fresh. All the time. I thought things would get to a point where they were getting easier. But it's more like my new normal, like I go through my days with a little piece of me missing. Sometimes it feels like a big piece, like how can I keep walking forward when my child is gone? I keep thinking I'm leaving her behind. And all I want to do is run as fast as I can in the other direction, back to her.
I continue to find peace in knowing she is in heaven, that we are going to see her again, that she is happy. And most of the time that helps so much. I can't imagine going through the pain without any hope in the future. But sometimes I just think I would do anything to see her again. Even if its not for long, I just want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how very much I love her. How special she is. And how much I miss her. Reagan was the most beautiful little girl I have ever laid eyes on, and I will never see that precious face again. Not the way she was. I close my eyes and try to picture her just as she looked when we said goodbye, so peaceful. I try to focus on the inexplicable joy we felt when holding her in the hospital. And she can still make me smile, no matter how hard them day or how much I hurt, when I remember our time together. I don't know if things will get easier from here, don't know that I will ever feel whole this side of heaven without her. Each milestone we miss, each birthday we can't celebrate, just brings up fresh pain and emptiness. I miss my baby girl.
Happy 6 months, Rea Rea. We love you with everything we have, always and forever.