Longing

I miss my daughter so much. Some days it is still so overwhelming. And it doesn't seem to take much to set things off again. Last week I ordered some maternity clothes. I was excited about it - first new clothes I have bought in months! But last time I ordered maternity clothes I only got to wear them for a few weeks, some not at all, and then she was gone. Just like that, no warning whatsoever. And so as soon as I hit the place order button, I regretted it. It was too familiar. And so I broke down. What will I do if these clothes just go into storage as well??

I joined a group, Hope Mommies (would definitely recommend it for any who have suffered a loss), and we are doing a Mother's Day card exchange with another mommy of the group. So this morning I get online to start looking for a card to send this woman, since I still can't go to a store, and no card will ever be right. I'm reading through all these cards and my heart is just breaking with all the words I will never hear from Reagan's tiny little mouth. I thought so many things would help make the pain of losing her less, but it seems to still be just as fresh. And I'll zoom in on the pictures we have of her to try to see her little profile more clearly, try to close my eyes and remember every detail of her face. Oh, how I long to be with my daughter for just a little longer. To hear her laugh. I know I will one day, it is just so hard to wait.