Moving on??

Everyone wants to know how we are doing, which I definitely appreciate being asked.  But the one thing I don't know how to respond to is when people say the phrase "move on."  Apparently it is now time that we "move on."  Our daughter left us 3 months ago.  That must be the amount of time we get.  It doesn't make me angry anymore, when people say things like that to me.  It just makes me sad.  And lonely.  I'd like to think that no matter how much time passes, I will never be expected to move on.  Because you never can.  How do you ever move on?

No, instead we are moving forward.  Sounds like a technicality but it is a huge difference.  Moving on implies forgetting, not looking back, not remembering.  Moving forward is taking steps toward the future while always remembering what our precious Reagan has taught us.  My whole life has changed forever - my goals, my values, my perspectives.  Nothing will ever be the same.  And yes, we continue to grieve for her.  We miss her desperately.  And some days, I still have to curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably.  But we now live with hope.  We will see our Reagan again.  We'll spend a billion years plus with her, longer than we can comprehend.  We will absolutely miss her for the next 60 years while we live on earth, but that will seem like only seconds when viewed with eternity.

And so we move forward.  We are taking little steps toward allowing ourselves to feel happy again.  We try to laugh.  We try to do little things for ourselves or for others.  And sometimes I feel overwhelming guilt when I do have moments where I am enjoying something, because it just feels wrong.  It always feels wrong to be without our daughter.  We have had so much heartache and sorrow in the past year, and it is so hard to not get wrapped in that, to let myself feel again.  But we are trying.

Reagan would be 3 months old today.  Happy birthday little one.  I just pray that she will know how much we think about her on these days.  And know that we will never "move on" no matter how much time passes.

Standstill

Life seems to be circling round and round.  Almost every day of the week marks an anniversary - Tuesdays are so many weeks since we found out Reagan was gone, Wednesdays are so many weeks since she was born, Thursdays are so many weeks since we saw her for the last time.  And Saturdays are the days when I remember where she should be.  33 weeks today.  Instead, she is 11 weeks gone.  My whole life is a counting game now.  When does it end?   Every week I think of where we should be.  I look around and am constantly reminded of her and what I don't have.  Pain is so great.  And the moments of peace and comfort are still mixed in there, but some days it is still hard to breathe.  Some days we still break down and sob for our little girl and all we've lost.  My heart still aches, broken.

I don't write much anymore because I don't have much to share.  I have exploded with grief and shared what we have to look forward to.  And outside of that, what is there?  Things don't go according to plan (or I'd already have 2 children...) and yet I keep trying to plan.  I keep thinking I can control something in my life, and it just never quite works out the way I want.  Sigh...

Peace

Life is still hard.  All the time.  Every day I think of my daughter and what could have been, and I find myself potentially spiraling down into despair again.  It is so hard.  Time does not seem to make it easier.  And yet, as I start to draw back in and collapse, I am surrounded my encouragement.  I get a letter or note from someone else who is praying for us.  I get a vision of Reagan in heaven, so content and loved.  I see the beautiful painting Mom did that is hanging in our room.  Or I look at her picture in my office.  And when I think of Reagan, when I remember her life and where she is now, I am filled with peace, hope, and joy.  Our little girl is safe, not wanting for anything.  She never cried - not one time in her entire life did she shed a tear. And I can take peace in that.

I am learning how little I have trusted God in the past.  Yes, I said I was trying to trust Him.  But I never really did.  Maybe in my head, not in my heart.  I trusted in the doctors.  I trusted in my medical appointments.  I trusted in the drugs they used to keep me pregnant.  And through it all, I added in prayers that God would keep her safe.  But it was really more of an afterthought.  When we first lost Reagan, I thought I would never trust God again.  Because he had taken our daughter away from me.  But for some reason, I trust Him more.  I know I can't do anything to save our future children, our little freezer babies.  The doctors can't give me more medication or run more tests or do anything that will save them.  God has a plan that at the moment does not involve us being parents to children living on earth.  The desire in my heart to be a mother, to care for our children, is stronger now than before Reagan was born because I have just a glimpse of what it will be like.  And so we pray regularly that God will keep our freezer babies healthy and that one day we will get to hold healthy children, bring them home, watch them grow.  And until then, He is sustaining me with His grace and peace.  Because left unto my own, I am weak and crumble and could not get by.  I am learning to rely on God as His grace is sufficient for me.