Cramps...

So, I was feeling so encouraged, optimistic, and hopeful for the first ~5 days of this very long waiting process.  And then the cramps hit.  I know what cramps mean...I've felt the heartbreak and frustration month after month each time I felt these symptoms.  The doctors say it doesn't mean anything this time - could just be a symptom of all the meds - but I am still very discouraged now.  I realize we don't actually know anything yet and God is in control.  Maybe the waiting is just getting to me.  My nurse called yesterday just to check on me and see how I was holding up.  She was right.  Apparently people fall apart around day 6.  I'm fitting right in! I keep waiting for some sign of pregnancy, but nothing.  I feel no different than last week, except now I have cramps.  And my butt is all bruised from the shots.  No nausea, no breast tenderness, no weird cravings.  Okay, so I realize it is a little unrealistic to expect to feel anything at this point, but still.  Some sign would be fantastic and put my mind at ease.  Though I suppose it wouldn't work on increasing my faith...Oh, is this always going to be so difficult??

:)

Everything went just perfectly on Friday.  We got to REACH, checked in, and got all settled while we waited for all the background stuff to finish.  In the procedure room, they showed us our two tiny little embryo and gave us a printout, which I just couldn't take my eyes off of.  This is just so amazing.  The embryologist said everything looked good - both survived the thaw and had good "cell masses" or something along those lines.  We got to watch as they put the embryo into the tube and then also as they transferred them into me.  Two little tiny specs on that big screen.  And then that was it.  All this build up, all this waiting, all this prayer, and it was over in a matter of seconds once the prep work was done.

And so, for the last 2 days, I have been lying on my back.  Alternating between the bed and the couch.  My excitement yesterday is  when I switched bathrooms to pee in.  Once even went downstairs!  I am not a great relaxer or someone who likes to just lie around, so this is a little frustrating for me...until I think about the why and then it's totally worth it.  Plus, getting all my meals made and brought up to me on a little tray is pretty nice.  Thanking God for a wonderful husband (and future wonderful father) who is taking such good care of me.

Tomorrow

So...tomorrow is the big day!  Can't believe we are here.  I feel like I should have some great insight, but really I am just feeling very drained.  I think too many emotions and too much riding on tomorrow I'm just starting to shut down.  Don't get me wrong, I am super excited and grateful for where we are.  There's just a lot of stress and anxiety that comes with this.  Tonight could be the last night before I get pregnant...wow.

Lord, please be with us tomorrow as we undergo our transfer.  Be with the doctors as the embryos are chosen and thawed.  Keep our little children safe through the process.  We know you are in charge and orchestrating this - from beginning to end.  Help me to trust in you, not in the doctors or the medical process, but in YOU specifically.  That you know what is best for me always and are working for the good of those who love you.  That there is a purpose behind all the suffering and waiting.  And that, no matter what, you are always with us.  But we still ask that you allow for these embryos to implant, be carried safely, and delivered as healthy babies.

Prayer

We are truly blessed to have so many people who are praying for us.  And I have gone my whole life asking people to pray for me, but have never experienced the outpouring of a group of people going out of their way to gather and pray over me.  How sovereign God is to lead us to a church where so many are struggling with the same issues and others are such prayer warriors.  I'd like to say it has alleviated all my worries to know people are praying for us now and for Friday and that God is in control.  And maybe one day I will have the faith to say that...but for now, it definitely helps.

On a lighter note, we discovered this evening after intramuscular shot #3 why they have been so painful.  Apparently, after drawing the progesterone into the syringe, you switch the thick needle for a thinner and sharper one.  Oops.  That explains why I want to scream each time Andrew shot me and why I am hobbling around work.  Tomorrow will be better!

Only one final test stands between us and an absolute confirmation for Friday.  Blood test early tomorrow AM and we will be good to go.  Just praying that the needle size wouldn't matter and that the newest injections are doing all they need to.

One more week

Time could not be going any slower!!  I feel like each day is slowly dragging on, and on, and on.  And yet, here we are, one week away!  I'm trying to fit in as much as I can in these days before I will be on bed rest and then hopefully having to take things a little easier.  At the same time, I'm trying so hard not to get stressed.  Seems a little off...working to not stress??  Let's just say I'm not very good at it.  And so I decided to finally schedule my massage for next week only to learn the number I have for my groupon is out of service.  Bummer.  So to start my relaxation process, I have spent the afternoon lounging by the pool reading a book.  Doesn't get much better than that.

Tomorrow we head back to the doc for one last ultrasound to make sure we are on track for next Friday.  They've not given me any indication that there is a possibility it wouldn't work out, but I'm assuming there has to be or else I wouldn't need to go in.  So one last hurdle and things will officially be a go.

10 days!

We are getting so close!  Only 10 more days!  It's still all feeling a little surreal - hard to believe this moment we've been building toward for 2 years is finally here!  Operation eat healthy officially began yesterday as I am working to make sure I get the correct amount of fruits and veggies throughout the day to prepare myself for what is to come.  By tonight I'll have 4 sticky estrogen patches all over my belly to start building up the hormone levels.  And by Saturday we'll be right back to injections, which I have officially mastered!  Yay for answered prayers and hopeful days :)

Let the countdown begin...

2 weeks!  2 more weeks!  I'm not even sure what emotions are running through my system anymore - faith, hope, excitement, terror, fear, anxiety - just to name a few.  We are so excited that with all the medical complications God has brought us here and carried us through this process so far.  And we are so hopeful for what tomorrow holds (or what 2 weeks from now holds) that you can't really even begin to express it.  Yet there is always a fear of failure, of loss, and of being brokenhearted again.  I'm trying so hard to focus on only the first half of those emotions as the docs have told me I am not allowed to be stressed.  Is that really even possible??

1 Corinthians 12:9 (Thanks Sarah, for the encouragement): But He said to my, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.   As life is going along so easily, verses like this one are hard to understand.  Or easy to look at and say "why sure, that sounds nice." Yet how hard it is to have a "thorn in the flesh" that I can't control the way I want to.  How hard it is to truly rely on God and His grace. Yet it is in our weakness that Christ's power is revealed.  And so we continue to pray, not only for our children and potential pregnancy, but that through all of this God would continue to reveal himself.  And that if we do get the answer to our prayers and have a child (or 2....or 14) that we would not lose focus and forget where we have come from.

AHHH!!!!

AHHH!!!!  I am so excited I can hardly stand it!!  I got a call from the nurse this morning after my very early AM appointment today that everything looked good for me to start the process!  So I start estrogen patches today and we go from there!  AND...they have set a date for the transfer.  June 22!!  So close!  That's not next week but the week after that!  Yipee!!  I had to do a little dance when I got the message while I was standing in my office today - good thing no patients were there at that particular moment but is making things very distracting for the rest of the day.  God is so faithful!

YAY!!!

Let's just say I have never in my life been so excited to start my cycle...or "have my friend come to visit"...or however is the most appropriate way to announce that to the world.  Usually that means it's another month of failure.  This time it means we get to officially start the transfer process!!  I was hoping the horrific cramps were a sign that it was almost time and yep, sure enough.  So I am sitting here waiting to hear back from the doc whether they want me in the office this morning or tomorrow, and then I will know so much more.  What a wonderful answer to prayers!

Menopause week 8: completion!

Well, in the past 2 weeks we have continued to wait.  Yesterday was technically the final day of my menopause, though hot flashes have continued into this morning so it is definitely not the quick switch I was hoping for.  Andrew and I were away in Costa Rica for our 5 year anniversary during my normal weekly update, but there is really no big update to give.  I think mood swings might be settling down, road rage is still in full swing, hot flashes still come and go, and we are still waiting.  As soon as my cycle returns after being dormant and shut down all these weeks, we head back to the doc for labs and ultrasound.  Assuming everything looks good, new hormones start and the transfer occurs ~20 days later.  So possibly in another month??  It's all very exciting.  All this waiting, and we can finally see the end of the tunnel.  Craziness.  Today is another hopefully day, which I can only thank God for.  He has continued to be faithful despite my lack of faith, my frustrations, and my desire to just cut him out of the process so we can move forward a little quicker - cause somehow I think that would actually happen...

I did talk with the doctor yesterday and confirmed we'll be transferring 2 embryo, so I guess now we are praying for twins.  :)  Until then, the waiting continues...