Thursday, February 23, 2012

Moving forward

So today was the first time we got good news! Back to REACH today (a little later than planned) and all the cysts are gone. All of them! I was still told my ovaries are still a mess, but at least not so much of a mess anymore that we are risking health to move forward. It's all a little surreal at this point, but I am so excited to finally be moving forward. If things all go according to plan, we will have babies in a freezer in 6 short weeks.

So I am thinking this must all be a God thing - for all of my cysts to be gone in such a short time. Yet part of me can't help but fear I am taking control. That I am putting my trust, not in the Lord, but in the doctors to provide me a child. The odds are with us for the first time, but I have to remember that this will only be successful if it is truly God's will. And I know I should take comfort in that, and I do to some extent, but a little piece of me is still hesitant and wanting to hold on it to all. The fact that this is even an option for us right now is itself a miracle. Just feeling a little overwhelmed right now.

So right now I am starting to pray for my little ones to come. I realize I should have been doing this for quite some time, but I have spent all my energy praying for me to get pregnant and trying not to give in to the depths of despair that I have not truly felt God would answer my prayers. And so now I am committing to praying for my future freezer babies and all the ground we have to cover so they will be healthy, beautiful children of God.

Andrew is going to be traveling for the majority of this process as he finishes his current job and is training his replacement. I have had one terrifying thought before we decided to go ahead with the IVF process - needles. I do not do well with needles. And daily injections, that I have to give myself, are not going to go well. I can picture myself just sitting there staring at the needle, wishing to just go ahead and stab myself "with a dart-like motion" (as per my how-to instructions) and not being able to move. Freezing there. But on the positive note, I will get over my fear of needles! Maybe...

Pills started yesterday and injections start in a few weeks. We are so very exciting for all of this and trying to stay positive throughout the process! Also praying the hormones don't turn me into a crazy person just yet...

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