Bitter

So I am still excited about all that is to come and know that it really is against all medical odds we are where we are right now in the process. That being said, the frustration of the bills and the pharmaceutical companies who are exploiting emotional couples is a little overwhelming. We went to pick up a single medication - one shot - and I was told it was not covered by my insurance company. No problem, cause we are not expecitn any of this to be be covered by the insurance companies as they will get out of paying anything if possible. So no big shock there. What was a big shock was the price. $900!! Yes, that's right...$900 for a single injection, I think it was 3 ml, that I'm sure cost maybe 30 bucks to produce. I about freaked out! And the doctor confirmed today that there is, in fact, no generic or other drug which will help to dry up my endo. And the sighs just keep on coming.

So today, while frustrated after talking to the doctor and contacting the pharmacy who will be shipping me $5000 worth of fertility drugs, I got on facebook. I don't usually spend a lot of time on facebook, but I was just needing some de-stressing time. And I hate to admit it, but I had to unfriend some of my pregnant friends. How pathetic am I? Not the ones I am really close with, not the ones I'm attending baby showers for, and not the ones who had to work at getting pregnant. But those acquaintances who have been married for a short time and "are so excited to announce it's a boy" BLEH! I couldn't take it. So, I am officially defriended from about 3-5 women. But I feel a little better now...

So minus my bitterness towards these women who get knocked up on month #1, I am doing better this week. Fewer emotional breakdowns and an overall peace that we are doing what is right. I questioned us taking control and finding peace in the medical treatment, but I really do feel as though God has orchestrated everything to line up perfectly, to come together at this exact time. And so we continue moving forward unless there is a reason to stop. And I pray one day God will heal my heart and this bitterness so I do not hate all pregnant women...that has to subside at some point, right?

Moving forward

So today was the first time we got good news! Back to REACH today (a little later than planned) and all the cysts are gone. All of them! I was still told my ovaries are still a mess, but at least not so much of a mess anymore that we are risking health to move forward. It's all a little surreal at this point, but I am so excited to finally be moving forward. If things all go according to plan, we will have babies in a freezer in 6 short weeks.

So I am thinking this must all be a God thing - for all of my cysts to be gone in such a short time. Yet part of me can't help but fear I am taking control. That I am putting my trust, not in the Lord, but in the doctors to provide me a child. The odds are with us for the first time, but I have to remember that this will only be successful if it is truly God's will. And I know I should take comfort in that, and I do to some extent, but a little piece of me is still hesitant and wanting to hold on it to all. The fact that this is even an option for us right now is itself a miracle. Just feeling a little overwhelmed right now.

So right now I am starting to pray for my little ones to come. I realize I should have been doing this for quite some time, but I have spent all my energy praying for me to get pregnant and trying not to give in to the depths of despair that I have not truly felt God would answer my prayers. And so now I am committing to praying for my future freezer babies and all the ground we have to cover so they will be healthy, beautiful children of God.

Andrew is going to be traveling for the majority of this process as he finishes his current job and is training his replacement. I have had one terrifying thought before we decided to go ahead with the IVF process - needles. I do not do well with needles. And daily injections, that I have to give myself, are not going to go well. I can picture myself just sitting there staring at the needle, wishing to just go ahead and stab myself "with a dart-like motion" (as per my how-to instructions) and not being able to move. Freezing there. But on the positive note, I will get over my fear of needles! Maybe...

Pills started yesterday and injections start in a few weeks. We are so very exciting for all of this and trying to stay positive throughout the process! Also praying the hormones don't turn me into a crazy person just yet...

Possibilities

So this may be the week! I should be headed back to REACH for another evaluation this week to determine if my body is ready for IVF. We are hoping and praying the Lord has healed all of my cysts and we are ready to move forward. Such an exciting though - that all the waiting might be done. We finally shared with our small group from church what we are struggling with and so the prayer is that things are healed and we are able to start IVF this week unless it is not God's plan. If I am trying to take over control and put my trust in physicians and medications and not God using these wonderful medical advances, then we pray I continue to have cysts. And that I don't break down if we get that news.

This weekend I attended a baby shower for an amazing Christian woman, Beth, who is waiting for a child. She has been waiting for more than 2 years for an adoptive child. And she has such a wonderful spirit and heart about the whole process. It was such an uplifting and encouraging shower, of faith despite the situation. I am so blessed to be in a church where infertility is such a commonality and we can lean on each other and encourage one another.

This has been a weekend in which I am finally feeling peace again. This may change, and did slightly as I received another baby shower invitation and learned of a woman who has 11, yes 11 children naturally, but overall it has been good. Will know more very soon!