Control

So last weekend we went to visit some wonderful friends of ours who have been through the whole IVF process successfully. Sarah currently has twins and is pregnant with another set! We had the trip scheduled before we knew exactly what we were in for with our situation, so it was a little emotional for me. While we were there, God used a wonderful pastor to speak to us about our current situation and the amount of control we have over the situation. He spoke briefly about control and trusting the Lord when we don't get what we want.

"Deep down, do you believe that Jesus knows you and your situation better than you do?" Do I know that that is a true statement, yes. Does my heart know that, not really. I think that I test God, saying "if you give me a baby, what a testimony it will be to Your power to overcome all medical obstacles." And it truly will. But I'm trying to use that statement to get God to do what I want, not really because it will bring people closer to Him. Like somehow I'm going to trick God with my intentions when I pray that??

"If you really trust Jesus, then he doesn't have to give you an explanation because inherently you know he has your best interest in mind." Wow. Again, do I know God has my best interest in mind? Yes. For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11. Yes, I know that. But I don't live like that. I think, "God must not love me because he is letting me suffer so much" or "God has turned His back on me." When in truth, God is using this situation for something - I just don't know what. And to continue to have faith that God's plan is best and mine is not, and to stop trying to justify why I'm not getting pregnant with some plan I make up so I won't be so frustrated isn't the answer either. I keep trying to say God is using this to bring me closer to Him, or He is using this so I could minister to other people, or God is going to give me a baby and it will be a medical miracle that will point others to Him, or He wants us to have twins and our only option for that is the IVF, or...on and on it goes. I've thought of them all, and none of them give me any peace. But Jesus can.