I cannot believe one year has past. One year since we learned our little girl had passed away. One year since our lives changed forever. One year of emptiness and longing for what would never be. This past year has been the darkest, loneliest, and most stressful of my life. When I think back to October 30 of last year, I am haunted by the image of Reagan's empty chest. Of her lifeless image on that ultrasound. Of feeling my heart plummet, not understanding what went wrong. Of questioning each and every moment of the pregnancy, trying to figure out what I did wrong. It broke me, and I am still struggling to put back the pieces. No matter how much time goes on, life will never be the same. I will never "get over" or "move on."
I cannot think back to one year ago without instantly tearing up, so sad for what we lost. Tomorrow, tomorrow has joy associated with it as we got to hold her. But today, today is just dark, depressing. It feels like I am going through it for the first time all over again, just as fresh. And I just want to curl up in a ball and sob for my baby girl, but I no longer have that freedom. The boys need me to be strong. And that almost makes it harder. This morning, all three of us were just crying together as I was telling Warren and Dean about Reagan. And then it was right back into a feeding frenzy and daily life. I feel like the whole world should stop so we can have a day, just a single day, to dedicate to sweet Rea Rea. Instead, tomorrow will be filled with trick-or-treaters ringing our bell and little girls dressed as princesses walking down the street, reminding me that my little princess is gone.
I have to keep reminding myself of the truth, of what I know in my head to be true. Reagan is okay. And she is happy, healthy, and thriving. She is not wanting for anything. And we are now one year closer to seeing her again. What a blessing! My heart cannot comprehend that right now as I am overcome with my own grief, but I know that. And I have hope. Even when I don't feel it, it is the truth. And I can continue to find comfort in that. It doesn't take away the ache, doesn't change what happened, doesn't make me miss my girl any less. But it helps. This is not the end of our story. And in our growing family, I know can hold and kiss and love on our miracle babies, now 4 months old. And just stand in awe of how much they were able to endure, how much God carried them through. Two healthy baby boys. They in no way replace Reagan or what we lost. And again, sometimes seeing them as they hit different milestones makes it harder, a painful reminder of what we won't see Reagan do. But we are grateful nonetheless, for every moment we have together. Because life is precious and fleeting.
One year closer to being reunited with our firstborn baby girl, sweet Reagan...