Envy

I have never been the girl to envy what other people have. My neighbor gets a new car? Great. Furniture gets delivered? Good for them. That has never made me want to run out and purchase the same thing or feel like I was lacking. But I now find myself getting getting jealous of all the other babies in here. Twins born the day after the boys, at only 28.5 weeks, are already moved to the special care nursery. A baby boy born Monday at 29 weeks is already doing room air trials. Dean struggled so much, fought his way thru this room air trials last week, and they aren't letting him try again. He does so well with his breathing all day and it's just frustrating to see your child work so hard and be told he fails. It again makes me feel as though I let them down. Two more weeks would have made such a difference!  If only I could have made it 2 weeks. Cut their NICU time in half...

Look how frustrated Dean is. He's hiding his face...or thinking about pulling out his tubing??

 

I know our boys are doing great "for their gestational age". But just once I want to hear they're doing great period, without having to qualify it. I long for the day when I can hold Warren without alarms going off and having to worry about him getting enough oxygen during the transition. I want to be able to sit and rock them without it being too much stimulation that it makes their heart rates drop. I want to see their faces without being covered by tape and tubes. And I want to feed them myself, not watch it go down a tube by force over an hour. As we're approaching 1 month on Monday, it's beginning to get to me. (At least today, never know tomorrow) And I'm just so tired.  So is Warren...

We saw improvements every few days for those first several weeks. But none in the last week. Maybe that's what is making this harder today??