Monday, June 17, 2013

Father's Day

Another tough day yesterday...Father's Day. I never realized how many holidays, in addition to just daily things, would keep reminding us that Reagan is gone and bring that pain fresh again. We had a nice day yesterday though-big breakfast outside in the courtyard, opened cards, watched golf, visited with family-but underlying it all was Andrew's heartbreak. And I couldn't take it away. And my guilt still makes me feel like I'm the reason it was there, because I couldn't take care of her.

But what a blessing it has been to watch my sweet husband develop into a father over the past year. He has no children to hold in his arms or tuck into bed, but he loves our 3 little ones so much and sacrifices more than I would ever ask to care for us. He lives here at the hospital and is on call night and day when I start panicking that something is wrong, he gets us food and makes sure I stay hydrated, he rubs my back when it aches and puts lotion on my feet (which are harder and harder to reach these days), and he crawls into my hospital bed at night when I can't sleep. What an amazing husband!  I know he would love to see people, to do something fun outside of the hospital, yet he is here by my side. Not that I'm not fun...

As for the daddy side, I have never seen someone's face light up like Andrew's does when Reagan or his boys start kicking. I love it. And he is already cheering them on. He prays for them constantly, encourages them, talks to them, and reminds them just how much he loves them. There will always be a special place for Reagan in his heart, as she is his first and only girl. And so last night we were already planning what to do on her birthday, how we could make the day special for her. It's days like this I am so thankful God brought Andrew into my life, who has loved me and held me as we have walked through a year with so many struggles, stood by my side as we said goodbye to our daughter, and done everything in his power to make sure I know he doesn't blame me and that I have the support I need. And never once asked for anything in return. I could would never have chosen to go through any of this-infertility, loss, hospitalization- but I can't imagine doing this without my best friend with me. And I love him even more watching him be a father. Again, such a blessing to see him become such a Godly man. 

So...Happy Father's Day, Andrew! We love you!  From all of us,
Meghan, Rea Rea, and the boys

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