Labor & Deliver

Quickest way I know to reach people, so here's my quick blurb. I have professed into labor, am being doses with magnesium to help the little guys brains develop, and will deliver in the next few hours. We are terrified but trying hard to trust that God has a plan and will care for our boys. I will update as we have news and feel up to writing. 

Please pray for us. 27 weeks sounds just way too early

Maternity pictures!!

Last Friday, we got special permission from our doctor to go down to the hospital grounds for pictures. It was one of those times I was so thankful to be at Presby, which is so much more visually appealing than CMC.  So I get ready gradually over the afternoon, sitting up for a few minutes at a time to put on my face and do the hair. And God blessed us with a cool evening so I could wear my maternity clothes from Reagan, which felt more special than something borrowed frantically (though thanks to everyone who lent me clothes, and my mother-in-law who went shirt shopping for me!) I did have a second outfit picked out but was much too exhausted to make it thru another round.

We were also blessed with a wonderful photographer, Rebecca Perkins, who not only offered to help make our photography dreams come true, but offered to drive 4+ hours round trip to reach us once we wound up in the hospital! We couldn't be more thankful for her efforts. And no one would even know we were in a hospital!  Here's a few from our preview...love them!  

Nothing's easy...

So...just learned that, in addition to everything else going on, I have gestational diabetes. Great. My body was just not made for this. I often wonder if that's why I had so many complications that prevented us from conceiving naturally. And then I think about our 10 little freezer babies and how we had planned to have them all, and I just want to cry. I don't know if I could endure this again, much less 10 more times!  So maybe the diabetes explains why the boys are so big, which I was once excited about. Not anymore...I'm just so thankful they continue to do well despite their hostile environment. 

But things are moving forward. We've been blessed by friends and family with showers and now have finally started on the nursery.  Well, our moms have, anyway. But I've seen pictures and it looks good! The paint sample we had from when we were deciding colors for Reagan remains and was transformed into a butterfly in honor of her.

The walls are yellow, the chair is ordered,and the clothes are hung. We have a general plan for everything else and will work on that once I get home in a few weeks (still hoping to go home by July 4 in celebration of 28 weeks!). And we have maternity pictures scheduled for tomorrow. I got special permission to go on the hospital grounds (grass!) in my wheelchair for the occasion. I was concerned very briefly we were doing them too early in the pregnancy, as I'll only be 26 weeks, but then Mary-Catherine informed me that I was becoming torpedo shaped. So, better now than when I reach that gross pregnancy stage where I will no longer allow photos to be taken (and we keep praying I reach that stage!)

26 weeks tomorrow, such a miracle! One month of hospital living down, hopefully just 2 more weeks to go!

Torpedo? Maybe in another week!

Father's Day

Another tough day yesterday...Father's Day. I never realized how many holidays, in addition to just daily things, would keep reminding us that Reagan is gone and bring that pain fresh again. We had a nice day yesterday though-big breakfast outside in the courtyard, opened cards, watched golf, visited with family-but underlying it all was Andrew's heartbreak. And I couldn't take it away. And my guilt still makes me feel like I'm the reason it was there, because I couldn't take care of her.

But what a blessing it has been to watch my sweet husband develop into a father over the past year. He has no children to hold in his arms or tuck into bed, but he loves our 3 little ones so much and sacrifices more than I would ever ask to care for us. He lives here at the hospital and is on call night and day when I start panicking that something is wrong, he gets us food and makes sure I stay hydrated, he rubs my back when it aches and puts lotion on my feet (which are harder and harder to reach these days), and he crawls into my hospital bed at night when I can't sleep. What an amazing husband!  I know he would love to see people, to do something fun outside of the hospital, yet he is here by my side. Not that I'm not fun...

As for the daddy side, I have never seen someone's face light up like Andrew's does when Reagan or his boys start kicking. I love it. And he is already cheering them on. He prays for them constantly, encourages them, talks to them, and reminds them just how much he loves them. There will always be a special place for Reagan in his heart, as she is his first and only girl. And so last night we were already planning what to do on her birthday, how we could make the day special for her. It's days like this I am so thankful God brought Andrew into my life, who has loved me and held me as we have walked through a year with so many struggles, stood by my side as we said goodbye to our daughter, and done everything in his power to make sure I know he doesn't blame me and that I have the support I need. And never once asked for anything in return. I could would never have chosen to go through any of this-infertility, loss, hospitalization- but I can't imagine doing this without my best friend with me. And I love him even more watching him be a father. Again, such a blessing to see him become such a Godly man. 

So...Happy Father's Day, Andrew! We love you!  From all of us,

Meghan, Rea Rea, and the boys

Going crazy

So, my original thought was: I've been on bedrest for 15 weeks, what difference does it make to me if I'm at home or in the hospital??  Let me just tell you, BIG difference. Yes, I would spend the day passing time much the same way. And there were weeks at home when I wouldn't see anyone besides Andrew outside of my weekly appointment. But I had a routine, and it involved bedresting in 3 different locations. I'd start in the bed, eat my breakfast there, read to the boys, etc. Then I'd move to the game room, eat my snack, watch whatever was on the DVR, read a book. Then downstairs. Lunch on the couch, sometimes sitting outside to eat, back to the couch to work on projects for the boys while watching my way thru Grey's Anatomy from the beginning. Gets monotonous, days passed by slowly, but I had some flexibility on my modified bedrest time.

Key word in that? Modified. I now get 30 minutes seated each day and can get up to use the bathroom. I spend the per 23.5 hours in the hospital bed, on my side, oftentimes just staring at the wall. I swear the walls are moving closer to me. Little by little. When I am having bad days, lots of contractions and pain, I don't mind the tiny room, the fact that I hear my neighbors flush their toilets, the beeping of IVs and all hospital noises. I am thankful to be in a place where meds can be adjusted, tests can be run, etc to give my boys the best chance. But I've had 2 good days in a row now. And the thought of staying here another 4 weeks makes me want to pull my hair out. The stress of all this is going to make me super attractive...wrinkled, grey balding hair, pregnancy fluff.  Andrew brought up some newborn outfits for the boys to put in the room to remind me why. And every time I see them (thanks Auntie MC!) I remember why. It's not about me or what I'm going thru. It's about our little boys and the life they will have. 

We'll be 24 weeks tomorrow!  Doctors keep telling us that is huge, though I'd like to make it another 10. I got my final steroid dose today to help the little guys lungs develop. And hopefully when they're still cooking at 28 weeks we'll do another dose. But they are looking so good on ultrasound and moving all the time. Here's the latest pictures for you non-facebookers.  They get really hard to have good shots of now that they're wedged in there so tight.