6 months

I can't believe 6 months has passed since we welcomed our daughter into this world and said goodbye. Six months since I laid eyes on her for the first and last time. Six months, to the minute, since I saw her empty chest and my life shattered. And though the pieces are slowly being put back together, the pain is just as fresh. All the time. I thought things would get to a point where they were getting easier. But it's more like my new normal, like I go through my days with a little piece of me missing. Sometimes it feels like a big piece, like how can I keep walking forward when my child is gone? I keep thinking I'm leaving her behind. And all I want to do is run as fast as I can in the other direction, back to her.

I continue to find peace in knowing she is in heaven, that we are going to see her again, that she is happy. And most of the time that helps so much. I can't imagine going through the pain without any hope in the future. But sometimes I just think I would do anything to see her again. Even if its not for long, I just want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how very much I love her. How special she is. And how much I miss her. Reagan was the most beautiful little girl I have ever laid eyes on, and I will never see that precious face again. Not the way she was. I close my eyes and try to picture her just as she looked when we said goodbye, so peaceful. I try to focus on the inexplicable joy we felt when holding her in the hospital. And she can still make me smile, no matter how hard them day or how much I hurt, when I remember our time together. I don't know if things will get easier from here, don't know that I will ever feel whole this side of heaven without her. Each milestone we miss, each birthday we can't celebrate, just brings up fresh pain and emptiness. I miss my baby girl.

Happy 6 months, Rea Rea. We love you with everything we have, always and forever.

18 weeks

So things here have continued very much the same. Days are blending together as each day is the same as the one before. I am working on all my crochet projects and now have several hats, booties, a sleep sack, and 2 little football helmets completed. I drink my tea outside each morning while it is still cool. And I have passed the half way point of reading the Bible out loud to the boys. We are officially in maternity clothes all the time (I realized this was necessary after burning a strip on my lower stomach one afternoon because I did not realize it was exposed to the sun...and had not seen the light of day since last summer) and they are finally starting to kick hard enough for me to feel. And that about sums up life right now.

We had our in depth anatomy ultrasound this week and everything checked out. All the organs are there and appear to be in working order. The boys are still growing strong, though our once petite baby B has overtaken his brother and is now in the 100 percentile. Savant genes are strong :). I have over a pound of baby in there now. I was hoping this would be the week when I would be released from house arrest, our OB seemed to think it was possible, but the specialist says no. No change in activity, no leaving the house, still modified bedrest. Sadness. 4-6 more weeks and then we will revisit the issue. That would make it 16 weeks of bedrest. I'm going to have to find another hobby. There are only so many things you can crochet while lounging around. Suggestions??

Longing

I miss my daughter so much. Some days it is still so overwhelming. And it doesn't seem to take much to set things off again. Last week I ordered some maternity clothes. I was excited about it - first new clothes I have bought in months! But last time I ordered maternity clothes I only got to wear them for a few weeks, some not at all, and then she was gone. Just like that, no warning whatsoever. And so as soon as I hit the place order button, I regretted it. It was too familiar. And so I broke down. What will I do if these clothes just go into storage as well??

I joined a group, Hope Mommies (would definitely recommend it for any who have suffered a loss), and we are doing a Mother's Day card exchange with another mommy of the group. So this morning I get online to start looking for a card to send this woman, since I still can't go to a store, and no card will ever be right. I'm reading through all these cards and my heart is just breaking with all the words I will never hear from Reagan's tiny little mouth. I thought so many things would help make the pain of losing her less, but it seems to still be just as fresh. And I'll zoom in on the pictures we have of her to try to see her little profile more clearly, try to close my eyes and remember every detail of her face. Oh, how I long to be with my daughter for just a little longer. To hear her laugh. I know I will one day, it is just so hard to wait.

The Glow

For the first time, since July of last year when morning sickness kicked in with Reagan, I am feeling the pregnancy glow. I woke up this morning and so far, no pain. No nausea. No fatigue. So this is what women talk about when they say the honeymoon period?? Looking back, I never had that with Reagan. As soon as I stopped wanting to vomit all day, I could hardly stay awake. And with my endo ripping free, there was considerable pain. It's amazing how when I think of her, I remember this intense love and joy well before the day to day symptoms. But I do remember always waiting for the glow...

And so here I am, sitting (yay!) outside on the front porch on the wicker furniture, feet propped up, drinking some tea and enjoying this gorgeous day. (Watching my poor hubby do all the yard work because I still can't do standing activities...darn) and I am just overcome. I am so thankful for these 2 little boys growing inside of me. I can't believe sometimes how much they have already gone through in their short little lives. And here we are, close to half way there, and they are just kicking away. I am finally accepting we are having boys. We were so excited when we were initially told it would be one of each. That's what I always said I wanted. But I think God knew we needed little boys as we continue to heal from our loss of our precious daughter. Another girl born so closely behind Reagan would only serve to remind us of what we missed even more than things already do. And so I am at peace with the boys, truly at peace and not just telling myself that, for the first time. Another answer to prayer. God has been so good to us during this pregnancy, teaching me things I know I would never have learned had all gone according to plan. Though I would never choose to walk this pregnancy path or wish the complications on anyone else, I am thankful for the time it has given me to prepare my heart for motherhood.

16 weeks and sitting

GREAT news from our appointment this week: I can begin sitting again. Not all day, not if I'm hurting, but being vertical is phenomenal. I forgot how nice it was to sit reclined and eat. And it sure does help with that heartburn. I get fatigued easily and probably haven't lasted even a full hour upright yet, but we are moving in the right direction. Praise God!

Our little boys are doing great, growing equal and having a blast in there. I have started feeling little flutter kicks again, though they are no where near as active as Reagan. Usually all I feel is when they decide to change positions and maybe do a flip in there. Entertaining to watch the mountain that has become my stomach go from a nice mound to a pointed triangle. And some days I would swear if I stared at the belly I could literally watch it grow. I am going to be huge! (Happily so)

This week I have tried my hand at being crafty. I found a great website of crochet patterns nod made these hats:

Boy oh boy

Things pretty much continue as they have been. Still on strict bed rest, still bleeding and in pain, but our little ones continue to grow strong, completely oblivious to the trauma around them. And at the last ultrasound they were measuring almost a week ahead of schedule. Which is wonderful since they'll be born early. The doctor confirmed this week: no meds to prevent clotting in the placenta as originally planned. Because it happened before, our risk of stillbirth doubles. And there is nothing we can do to try to prevent anything. Full trust in God is required. Not so sure I'm getting better at that just yet.

This week it was confirmed we are having 2 boys! I never pictured myself with boys. I know tea parties and dress up, not trucks and...see that, can't even think of what boys play with! I have so much to learn. I will desperately miss not being able to put a frilly pink dress on these babies, but I will love them all the same. Or do love them, so much already. They are getting so big as we watch them grow each week. And last time, "baby a" was getting more active. Little Andrew junior. And since they weren't cooperating for their weekly photo shoot, here's a belly update.