Home

Let's just say a week in the hospital is just too long. I was finally stable enough to come home Monday night. How wonderful it is to sleep in my own bed, not be interrupted all night long, and be completely needle free.

But with being home is a continued sense of worry and dread. Like I am just sitting around waiting to lose these babies. The clot is measuring the size of a grapefruit, the babies the size of grapes. Not good. And at our appointment today, the clot has actually grown in size. This explains why I am looking so hugely pregnant this early though. In addition to 2 babies, a pregnancy only months after things got stretched out with Reagan, I now have an extra grapefruit in there trying to push my babies off the wall.

I am a terrible pregnant person. I have to keep reminding myself that people get pregnant without complications and delivery healthy babies 9 months later all the time. Not sure why I don't get to be one of those women though...

But God continues to carry us through. We got to see the little ones moving around today, scratching their faces or waving at us. And they continue to grow, perfectly measuring 9 weeks 5 days. It is just so hard to get attached again to know the odds are still not in our favor. To know the wrong move could cause the clot to shift and push the babies out. Who would have though a blood clot could be so powerful in the uterus? I just have to keep reminding myself that God is more powerful and He is in control. Because clearly I am not.

Moving Forward

The decision to take steps forward is a challenging one. Each time we allow ourselves some semblance of joy or talk of the future, there is a pang of guilt for not doing something for Reagan. All other mothers' lives revolve around their children after birth. And so it is hard when that is not clear in my life. If I let myself, I could stay in one place forever.

And so, with much prayer, we decided to take some forward steps. To look forward to something in our future. And so in January we did another transfer. Reagan healed my body of all the problems that kept me from getting pregnant. And we are pregnant! Twins! 9 weeks. God is so good to us and we cannot wait to be parents to children here.

But things have not been easy this time around either. And we desperately need prayers. I was hospitalized on Tuesday morning after 24 hours of uncontrolled bleeding and contractions. But these two precious little ones are hanging in there. We were told yesterday morning that my water had broke. At they point, they were not sure if it was one or both babies being lost. And so we prayed desperately for the one remaining. About an hour later they did an ultrasound to check on the miscarriage and the other baby and there were 2 heartbeats! Doctors have no explanation for how that is, but we still have 2 healthy babies. I am still in the hospital, still in pain, and still bleeding without cause. But God is holding our 2 little ones safe and healthy right now when we have been told there is nothing to do but wait. And so we wait and continue to pray for a miracle.