Control

So last weekend we went to visit some wonderful friends of ours who have been through the whole IVF process successfully. Sarah currently has twins and is pregnant with another set! We had the trip scheduled before we knew exactly what we were in for with our situation, so it was a little emotional for me. While we were there, God used a wonderful pastor to speak to us about our current situation and the amount of control we have over the situation. He spoke briefly about control and trusting the Lord when we don't get what we want.

"Deep down, do you believe that Jesus knows you and your situation better than you do?" Do I know that that is a true statement, yes. Does my heart know that, not really. I think that I test God, saying "if you give me a baby, what a testimony it will be to Your power to overcome all medical obstacles." And it truly will. But I'm trying to use that statement to get God to do what I want, not really because it will bring people closer to Him. Like somehow I'm going to trick God with my intentions when I pray that??

"If you really trust Jesus, then he doesn't have to give you an explanation because inherently you know he has your best interest in mind." Wow. Again, do I know God has my best interest in mind? Yes. For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11. Yes, I know that. But I don't live like that. I think, "God must not love me because he is letting me suffer so much" or "God has turned His back on me." When in truth, God is using this situation for something - I just don't know what. And to continue to have faith that God's plan is best and mine is not, and to stop trying to justify why I'm not getting pregnant with some plan I make up so I won't be so frustrated isn't the answer either. I keep trying to say God is using this to bring me closer to Him, or He is using this so I could minister to other people, or God is going to give me a baby and it will be a medical miracle that will point others to Him, or He wants us to have twins and our only option for that is the IVF, or...on and on it goes. I've thought of them all, and none of them give me any peace. But Jesus can.

Another month of waiting

So I waited for a while before starting this, thinking that 1. I would end up with a child and this would not be helpful or 2. I would start writing when things were going to start happening. Because how fun is it to write "nothing happened this month, lets see what happens next month." We've reached the end of our time of waiting, and it was time to start doing something.

Back to the doctor this morning and I was all prepared for the cyst to be back. It's almost always there, so why not now. Which would mean, no fertility treatments this month, but the start of menopause. I was ready. What I wasn't ready for was for my pelvis to be full of cysts - at least 5 of them, both sides, ranging from 4-8 cm. Sigh. Apparently, when one has this many fluid filled sacs hanging from the ovaries, one does not start treatment. One waits. AGAIN. "Next month" I'm told, we'll try something again. Maybe. If the cysts are gone. Oh, and there are no medications to help with that. And another surgery might damage my already crappy ovaries causing me to lose them. Which would make having babies just a little harder...

So, new plan, after waiting we immediately start IVF. Pay $15,000, gather up all my eggs, fertilize them, and then stick them in a freezer. My children will have to be in a freezer. Then we try to make a happier environment for them. That's where menopause comes in. So just in case there is not enough stress and emotion with having children waiting for me in a freezer, they put me on drugs which make me literally go crazy. Wonderful.

So, the process sucks. The waiting sucks. But the end picture of all of this is that I will (hopefully) have my own child. And that makes all the stress worth it. If I can stay focused on the end result, I can make it through this. All the needles, doctor visits, etc. There is no guarantee with any of this, which makes it that much harder, but since I am "young and healthy" there is a decent chance. So that is what I focus on as there is yet another month of just waiting and praying my cysts are gone by next month.

Frustration

Well, this is the beginning of blogging for me. I have never been one to write things down, but I am thinking there will come a time in my life when I will want to look back and remember these moments...these years without children and the struggles we've seen.

The past 1.5 years have been a challenge. Things have always come easily for me and life has been fairly easy going. When I've wanted something, I've worked hard for it, and then got it. Andrew and I did every step right - we waited to get married, waited till I finished school, waited till the loans were pain off and we were financially secure. And then we decided (or I finally convinced him!) that it was time to start trying for children. I assumed 2 months, maybe 3 tops. I was already picking out our child's name, figuring out how I would tell the family at Thanksgiving, then it was Christmas, then it was for a birthday gathering, 4th of July, Clemson tailgates, another Thanksgiving, another Christmas...

And here we are, still waiting. We've done all the tests, and with some bleak results. But we've continued to keep going back to the doctor, handing over my $60 copay, just to hear that I've got yet another cyst, each one larger than the last. And that my endometriosis has grown back, surgery was not successful, they mistimed things, etc.

After months of that, I finally had a cyst drained so we could start the fertility drugs. Things were looking good! I had several healthy follicles. And then I let myself get excited, to think "hey, maybe this will all work out!" And I let my husband stab me in the stomach with a needle! All for the hope, the dream, that I could have a child. And today, yet again, it is confirmed that is not happening for us. On to phase 2...So now I go back to the doctors for one last day of testing before they put me on the crazy pills. Medication to send my body into menopause, to dry up my ovaries, so they can later stimulate them to produce lots of eggs to try IVF.

When I imagined how things would go, this was not it. Following my plan, I would have a beautiful, healthy baby boy or girl already 10+months old. We would be preparing for a 1st birthday party, and recording their first steps. I know things do not always work out as planned. And I know that God is in control. And I know we will have a child when He chooses to give us one. But that in no way makes it any less infuriating to hear about so-and-so who got pregnant. And I can't help but feel bitter toward my pregnant friends, or the ones who got pregnant in their early months of trying, or the ones who got pregnant without even trying! Those ones, especially, I hate. And I'm sure the lesson in all of this is not to learn to be this bitter woman, who contemplates stealing someone else's child (though not really, I don't think I'm there just yet) I should be learning patience, which has always been a struggle, but I don't feel any more patient. And I should be learning to trust God more, but I just want to take control back so I can get it done my way. And now, I am at a loss. I have done every step I know, and now I just walk forward, terrified of the road ahead: the testing, the needles, the shots at home, the cost, and that I will lose my mind with all these hormones. Menopause me starts in 2 days...