Menopause: Week 1

I think the anticipation of this is the worst.  I am having flashbacks to 6 years ago, when I entered into my first round of menopause.  It's all coming back to me now.  The intense road rage, the way I could actually visualize myself ramming my little car into the back of people who drove even 1 mph under the speed limit, the way my body tensed so much with every little annoyance.  And, here's one big change.  Last time I didn't have kids.  I didn't have little people around me every second of every day, already pushing me and stretching me to my limits.  How am I going to survive that while still allowing them to rest in the fact that their mommy loves them?  What if they hate me by the end of this process?  If they're scared of me?  If I can't seem to control my emotions and take it out on them?

AND...hot flashes in the FL heat??  When it's in the mid 80s in FEBRUARY.  (When there should still be freezing nights and occasional snow...come on FL, get it together).  How does one survive hot flashes every few minutes when it's already sweaty hot weather outside??  Deep breath...  I keep reminding myself that this experience is TEMPORARY.  That I quickly returned to myself after stopping the medication last time, and that will happen again.  That I will be done by April.  That maybe I just hire some help to get through the afternoons, to allow my kids to still have the carefree days in the FL sun.  And that maybe we just avoid large crowds and outdoor activities that do not involve water and a bathing suit for the time being.  Yes, that sounds like a plan.

I think ultimately, my biggest fear is that none of this will matter.  That these months of menopause won't actually change the outcome, that the last 2 babies will share the same fate as the previous 7.  That I will put my family through hell only to wind up in the exact same place.  I have lost the innocence of the last time, the assumption that success would be in our future.  Because I only have 1 shot left.  Babies #13 and 14.  I never thought I'd get to this point, and certainly not in the method we did.  I miss Reagan.  And Lucas.  And Noah.  And I want to go back in time to those moments when I saw them healthy and happy on the ultrasounds, when I felt them kicking.  To those days right before they were born, when I was blissfully unaware of the crushing days ahead.  And to know that Lucas could be our last baby to hold, the last little Savant I birthed, it's crushing.  I feel like our story can't just end there.  But in reality, it definitely could.  We could never see another of our children.  And I could end our IVF journey with 9 straight losses with my living children anxious and afraid of who their mother became during the process.  It's terrifying.