Today has been hard, so hard. I miss my sweet babies so much. I'm not entirely sure what makes some days manageable, where I can live a normal daily life in the place of numbness, pushing it all aside so I can be mostly present with the children I am caring for. And other days, I'm just drowning in the grief of it all. Trying to search and grasp for God's goodness and mercies. Trying and failing. Where tears fall without ceasing and I can't quite seem to pull myself together.
Three months ago, we learned our precious Lucas' heart had stopped. For some crazy fluke, some "random" cord accident. Only it doesn't feel random at all. And it just hurts. So much loss and pain over these past 5 years, so much I am missing. I can't even find the words to express it all. Today (and his 3 month birthday tomorrow) are completely overshadowed by this incoming hurricane, by preparing our home, setting out sandbags, bringing things inside, and bracing for no power. I was distracted, though I knew this day was coming, and it caught me off guard. One of my ways of protecting myself, I think. Just put up a wall, prepare myself a bit. And yet, disheartening news, hurricanes, and Lucas being gone for 3 months today just proves to be more than any one person can handle.