I have not sat down to blog in months. If I'm honest, I've not felt as though I have many thoughts worth jotting down. Days pass in a frantic rush of being late, temper tantrums, and trying to get it all done. Without nap times, I have little time to myself, much less to collect my thoughts. And then the time to sit and write them down? Well, you can look back and see that just hasn't happened. I'm writing now in the midst of naked wrestling, because I gave up on getting the boys to listen and come get their shirts, and they are happy at the moment. Letting things go...that is the moral of the day.
So let's see, since Hannah's birthday, we've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. And then our big news....we headed back to Charlotte to meet another of our sweet babies. I thought for sure this one wouldn't work. How could it?? The odds were so against us. So much so that, for a crazy few minutes, we actually talked about transferring 2 little ones. Could you even imagine if I had twins again??? Oh, the terror! But, we were wrong, our faith was weak but God was BIG. And, against all odds, we are pregnant with another baby. Baby Savant #5 is scheduled to enter this world in September. And oh, how I love this little one already, though she does not get nearly the attention our others got during pregnancy. And poor child didn't get a single blog post during the transfer, waiting, or early parts of pregnancy. Fatigue hit me hard, something about being pregnant in my 30s perhaps?? And the nausea....I think this magical thing happens when you see your baby for the first time - you get complete amnesia in how awful it was getting them to that point.
So, BabySav5 is looking great on ultrasounds. This week, she was kicking away. At least for that 45 seconds I got to see her on the ultrasound. Oh, how I miss my team of doctors who legitimately cared for me and my baby, who walked the journey along side of us. Sure haven't found that here. Anyway, baby looks great. But there is this big scary thing...another subchorionic hemorrhage. This is what started my complications with the boys, which led to me losing so much blood, being hospitalized for 7 weeks, on bed rest, and ultimately their incredibly early arrival into this world. Now, this SCH is small...so far. But in the back of my mind now is this fear, this anxiety, this little voice telling me not to get too attached. And I hate, hate, how I let myself be robbed of my joy in just a moment. The doctor said it very casually, at the end of my appointment. I only know the risks and what it can mean because I've walked it before. When I mentioned that and my previous experience, she was like "oh, this isn't your first pregnancy?" So clearly, they're doing a great job looking at my chart...
Add to the emotions of being pregnant, being told I now have a higher risk of losing this child, being exhausted and overwhelmed with caring for the children I already have...today is our sweet Reagan's due date. This is the first year we haven't received all the oriental trading and birthday magazines to help us plan her party. In some ways, it's a relief to not have that painful reminder coming at me, catching me off guard every February. But in another way, it's just a hurtful reminder of how the rest of the world has moved on.
So, please be in prayer for us for many things. For this growing child to stay healthy without the complications of my previous pregnancy. For me to not live in fear and anxiety, anticipating the worst. For peace in our household - not quiet, as I love the sound of little ones, even in the crazy times. For our hearts as we continue to miss and long for our oldest daughter, even as we celebrate the life of her youngest sibling.
(**I should add, in the hours since I started writing this post, in 30 second increments at a time, I have broken up a few brawls, served breakfast, cleaned up said breakfast thrown to the floor, played a bit, found Hannah playing in a toilet full of pee with her brother's toothbrush, given Hannah a bath, dressed 3 kids, mopped the floor)