At the end of 3 months, I already know so much about her. How she likes to be swaddles, how she likes to be held, what songs will put her to sleep, what positions are most comfortable. I know what her smile looks like when she is happy and what her cries are trying to tell me. These are all things I wasn't able to know having twins, or maybe it was having preemies, or some combination of those factors. Regardless, this sweet little girl is a breeze and complete joy. I couldn't have asked for anything better to add to our mix of crazy.
And yet, I constantly feel like I am not enough. It's so incredibly hard to balance time with the kids, to split myself amongst 3 little needy people. When I am reading and doing puzzles and running with the boys, poor Hannah is left to defend herself from the floor. When I am nursing Hannah or putting her down for one of her naps, the boys are left on their own. This means I am returning to a room that is destroyed, books strewn about and things ripped off the walls. Or, they are being babysat for that 10 minutes by a quick TV show...followed by the tantrums that I make them turn it off. Don't get me wrong, these are good struggles to have, but it is a difficult stage of life.
I read (the beginning anyway) of another article on infertility earlier today. And I am reminded that this crazy, messy life filled with temper tantrums and biting, silly smiles and laughter, tears and so many firsts is EXACTLY what my heart longed for. In these quiet moments when Hannah is sleeping and the boys are destroying something I'm sure I'll be cleaning in just a few minutes, I am reminded that this is what I prayed for. For a home that is full, for little feet running through it. Though we always miss our Reagan's feet, though I always know life should be a little more crazy and my heart aches for that, I am so thankful for these moments.
So...Hannah ends 3 months right on track, rolling over, smiling at herself in the mirror, finally starting to enjoy tummy time, LOVING her thumb, and not too far off from graduating to the next size of clothes. We don't have an exact weight or length (man, it takes some getting used to to not have bimonthly weight checks and appointments...) but somewhere just shy of 12 pounds and 25 inches. Whew!